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The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World
A "meticulously researched and buoyantly written" (Esquire) look at what happens when we talk to strangers, and why it affects everything from our own health and well-being to the rise and fall of nations in the tradition of Susan Cain's Quiet and Yuval Noah Harari's Sapiens
"This lively, searching work makes the case that welcoming ‘others' isn't just the bedrock of civilization, it's the surest path to the best of what life has to offer."-Ayad Akhtar, Pulitzer Prize–winning author of Homeland Elegies
In our cities, we stand in silence at the pharmacy and in check-out lines at the grocery store, distracted by our phones, barely acknowledging one another, even as rates of loneliness skyrocket. Online, we retreat into ideological silos reinforced by algorithms designed to serve us only familiar ideas and like-minded users. In our politics, we are increasingly consumed by a fear of people we've never met. But what if strangers-so often blamed for our most pressing political, social, and personal problems-are actually the solution?
In The Power of Strangers, Joe Keohane sets out on a journey to discover what happens when we bridge the distance between us and people we don't know. He learns that while we're wired to sometimes fear, distrust, and even hate strangers, people and societies that have learned to connect with strangers benefit immensely. Digging into a growing body of cutting-edge research on the surprising social and psychological benefits that come from talking to strangers, Keohane finds that even passing interactions can enhance empathy, happiness, and cognitive development, ease loneliness and isolation, and root us in the world, deepening our sense of belonging. And all the while, Keohane gathers practical tips from experts on how to talk to strangers, and tries them out himself in the wild, to awkward, entertaining, and frequently poignant effect.
Warm, witty, erudite, and profound, equal parts sweeping history and self-help journey, this deeply researched book will inspire readers to see everything-from major geopolitical shifts to trips to the corner store-in an entirely new light, showing them that talking to strangers isn't just a way to live; it's a way to survive.
"This lively, searching work makes the case that welcoming ‘others' isn't just the bedrock of civilization, it's the surest path to the best of what life has to offer."-Ayad Akhtar, Pulitzer Prize–winning author of Homeland Elegies
In our cities, we stand in silence at the pharmacy and in check-out lines at the grocery store, distracted by our phones, barely acknowledging one another, even as rates of loneliness skyrocket. Online, we retreat into ideological silos reinforced by algorithms designed to serve us only familiar ideas and like-minded users. In our politics, we are increasingly consumed by a fear of people we've never met. But what if strangers-so often blamed for our most pressing political, social, and personal problems-are actually the solution?
In The Power of Strangers, Joe Keohane sets out on a journey to discover what happens when we bridge the distance between us and people we don't know. He learns that while we're wired to sometimes fear, distrust, and even hate strangers, people and societies that have learned to connect with strangers benefit immensely. Digging into a growing body of cutting-edge research on the surprising social and psychological benefits that come from talking to strangers, Keohane finds that even passing interactions can enhance empathy, happiness, and cognitive development, ease loneliness and isolation, and root us in the world, deepening our sense of belonging. And all the while, Keohane gathers practical tips from experts on how to talk to strangers, and tries them out himself in the wild, to awkward, entertaining, and frequently poignant effect.
Warm, witty, erudite, and profound, equal parts sweeping history and self-help journey, this deeply researched book will inspire readers to see everything-from major geopolitical shifts to trips to the corner store-in an entirely new light, showing them that talking to strangers isn't just a way to live; it's a way to survive.
Editorial Reviews
"This is one of those remarkable books you may not realize you're going to love (or need) until you're well into it. The Power of Strangers is deeply and gamely researched, lucidly and engagingly written (as if by a pal), informative, thought-provoking, playful, useful, and possibly life-changing. What a great way to start the post-pandemic."-Kurt Andersen, author of Fantasyland and Evil Geniuses
"In a thrilling, immersive journey across time and continents, Keohane upends everything we thought we knew about the people we don't know."-Will Storr, author of The Science of Storytelling
"Joe Keohane has changed my life. The very thought of talking to strangers has always given me mild nausea and stress sweats. But after reading this book, I've been converted. The Power of Strangers is an important tool in rescuing our tribal, smartphone-obsessed world. If you see me on the street, please say hi, so we can discuss it."-A. J. Jacobs, author of Thanks a Thousand: A Gratitude Journey
"Why do people feel so disconnected, divided, and alone? Could a simple fix lead to increased happiness, ingenuity, health, and attraction? In this perfect post-pandemic read, Joe Keohane answers these questions-illustrating via scientifically backed evidence and engaging real-life examples how talking to strangers can address many of the biggest problems facing our societies and ourselves, and how it is far easier than we think."-Sarah J. Tracy, Ph.D., professor, The Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University
"Thank Zeus, human nature, and the brilliant Joe Keohane for The Power of Strangers, an illuminating, witty-and dare I say life-affirming-blend of psychology, anthropology, and lived human experience. I never knew, before now, why strangers are chattier at farmers markets than in supermarkets, or why the vital and broadly applicable craft of listening (and the gift of being listened to) feels so good. God knows this book is timely and necessary, in this struggling republic of ours. I not only love it, I'm grateful for it."-Paige Williams, staff writer for
"In a thrilling, immersive journey across time and continents, Keohane upends everything we thought we knew about the people we don't know."-Will Storr, author of The Science of Storytelling
"Joe Keohane has changed my life. The very thought of talking to strangers has always given me mild nausea and stress sweats. But after reading this book, I've been converted. The Power of Strangers is an important tool in rescuing our tribal, smartphone-obsessed world. If you see me on the street, please say hi, so we can discuss it."-A. J. Jacobs, author of Thanks a Thousand: A Gratitude Journey
"Why do people feel so disconnected, divided, and alone? Could a simple fix lead to increased happiness, ingenuity, health, and attraction? In this perfect post-pandemic read, Joe Keohane answers these questions-illustrating via scientifically backed evidence and engaging real-life examples how talking to strangers can address many of the biggest problems facing our societies and ourselves, and how it is far easier than we think."-Sarah J. Tracy, Ph.D., professor, The Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University
"Thank Zeus, human nature, and the brilliant Joe Keohane for The Power of Strangers, an illuminating, witty-and dare I say life-affirming-blend of psychology, anthropology, and lived human experience. I never knew, before now, why strangers are chattier at farmers markets than in supermarkets, or why the vital and broadly applicable craft of listening (and the gift of being listened to) feels so good. God knows this book is timely and necessary, in this struggling republic of ours. I not only love it, I'm grateful for it."-Paige Williams, staff writer for
Readers Top Reviews
Mike watkins Jr.Nanc
"And when you talk to people you don’t know, I tell them, you learn that everyone has a bit of gold; everyone has at least one thing to say that will surprise you, amuse you, horrify you, edify you. They tell you things, usually with minimal prodding, and sometimes those things can deepen you, and awaken you to the richness and the grace and even the pain of the human experience." This snippet of the book encapsulates the main premise that Joe brings out, this idea that the way we perceive strangers in general...is not a reflection of how they actually are. Here are the results of one of the various experiments referenced in the book that brings this out: " people who talked to strangers reported a significantly more positive, enjoyable commute than those who didn’t. Conversations lasted an average of 14.2 minutes, and the talker came away with a positive impression of the strangers they’d talked to. " 1. The book also goes on to address why we hesitate to talk to strangers. This consisted of various reasons from...a feeling that we want to talk to strangers more than they want to talk to us, cultural differences, fear of the unknown, influence from the cultural "stranger danger" phenomenon, etc. Before I move on in this uh...review, I want to demonstrate the stranger danger phenonomon and how relevant it is via this portion from the book: "respondents are far more afraid of being killed by a stranger than by someone they know (29.7 percent to 21 percent), and far more afraid of being sexually assaulted by a stranger than by a familiar person (27.1 percent to 19.2 percent). Yet, as with crimes against children, the vast majority of murders and sexual assaults are committed not by strangers, but by people known to the victims. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2016, 85 percent of murders in America were committed by people the victims knew. 2. There are various ways to overcome this hesitancy...one such way that really stuck out to me was the idea of finding a common connection. "According to the social psychologists who advanced the idea of mere belonging, Gregory Walton and Geoffrey Cohen, humans “are highly sensitive to even minor cues of social connection.” When we find some small similarity, it serves as “an entryway to a social relationship—a small cue of social connection to another person or group.” Humans have a powerful need to belong, so we look for what are called incidental similarities when we encounter strangers. These reassure us by signaling that we have something in common, that we belong together. 3. But one can only discover this common connection by sustaining a conversation. Joe mentions the 80/20 rule where the idea is to listen during 80% of the conversation and listen for 20% of it. I like to view it this way...imagine you're in a conversati...
RTM
Journalist Joe Keohane gives the reader a very positive message about the benefits of meeting and talking with people we encounter in our lives. Using his personal experiences and social science research involving different countries, Keohane makes a persuasive case. Overcoming our fears and insecurities, some inherent and some learned, can be difficult, but the rewards make the effort worthwhile. I enjoyed reading this book, especially during this difficult, stressful time of "culture wars," tribalism, etc. After all, as Keohane says, we can make a choice to try to connect with other people in friendly constructive ways, and all benefit as a result.
Craig L Wilson
It’s rare that a book combines this level of research while also being so entertaining, not to mention practical, but The Power of Strangers pulls it off. To explain humans’ relationship with strangers, Keohane starts with apes, including a visit to a chimp research facility to see how researchers introduce strange chimps to one another (easier said than done). He then moves through traditional societies, cities, religions, and the rise of civilization as many of us know it. At each point, he shows how people were able to devise ways to safely communicate with and cooperate with strangers, suggesting that we could do the same now to deal with the bigger problems facing our societies. While he takes the reader through our history with strangers, Keohane himself sets out to become very good at talking to everyone himself, digging into new psychology research that shows that it’s easier and a lot more beneficial than we think, and gathering techniques for initiating conversations with strangers. This involves putting himself in some pretty uncomfortable situations, but he’s a witty writer and a good storyteller, so it makes for great reading. Highly recommended for introverts and extraverts alike, especially coming out of the pandemic.
Hguy
A natural storyteller, Keohane does a great job with both informing the reader on a scientific basis and sharing anecdotal stories. He spells out a fascinating narrative on the importance of strangers in our lives. Highly recommend!
Michael Klausner
Recipe for An Amazing Book Ask a series of seemingly simple questions about a common phenomenon, comb the behavioral science literature for studies on the topic, convey the results in a compelling conversational manner, coupled with your own participant observation research and you have the recipe the author of The Power of Strangers, used. Keohane, takes an interdisciplinary approach in providing empirically based answers to such questions as: Why do we seem to both fear and welcome strangers? What are effective ways to interact with strangers? How should we talk to “enemy strangers.” When are we allowed to talk to strangers? You will never think of strangers the way you had after reading this engaging book. What’s more, you will be eager to try out some of the natural experiments the author conducted and experience how engaging with strangers results in enhanced physical and emotional wellbeing for both you and the strangers you meet.
Short Excerpt Teaser
Chapter 1
Strangers in a Classroom
In which I travel all the way to London to relearn what should be a laughably rudimentary human skill, and am made to feel uncomfortable-a sign of things to come.
Our journey begins on a bright day in a small classroom at Regent's University in London. I'm sitting on a chair, palsied with jet lag, clutching my third cup of coffee. There are four other people there, too. They appear to be functioning at a higher level than I am, thankfully. We have come here to learn how to talk to strangers. Our teacher in this endeavor is an energetic twenty-nine-year-old named Georgie Nightingall. Georgie is the founder of Trigger Conversations, a London-based "human connection organization" that hosts social events aimed at facilitating meaningful conversations among strangers. Georgie had been recommended to me by a renowned psychologist whom we will meet soon. I got in touch with her, and when she told me that she was planning an immersive three-day seminar on talking to strangers, I bought a plane ticket. Not long after, I landed in London, slept a couple of hours, and then arrived bright and early to a classroom, more coffee than man, but ready to learn.
Georgie started Trigger Conversations in 2016. Up until then, her background had been eclectic. She had graduated from college in 2014, where she was pursuing both an undergraduate degree in philosophy and a master's in "emotions, credibility, and deception, from a psychology and linguistics angle," as she says. That got her interested in language and conversation. After school, she tried her hand at a few different jobs. She interned at a start-up, worked a series of jobs as a project manager, and was for a time at the Francis Crick Institute, a world-renowned biomedical research facility. "That was my last real job," Georgie says. After that she struck out on her own.
She was always a talker, though the prospect of talking to strangers made her a little hesitant, "partly because of some social anxiety about the fact that it wasn't normal to speak to strangers," she says. However, she had also grown bored with the conversations she was having with new people-the usual "What do you do?" and "How was your day?" interactions that never go anywhere. She wanted to help introduce people to the idea that these conversations don't have to be dull or formulaic. They can be scintillating, informative, and exploratory. After she founded Trigger Conversations, she drafted a short manifesto along those lines: "We are adventurers in conversation," she wrote. "We are travelers without a destination. Exploring the unknown, without expectation. Each one of us a teacher and every person an opportunity."
Georgie, as it turns out, was exploring the unknown in particularly treacherous territory, conversation-wise. London in particular, and the United Kingdom in general, is something of a global center of a nascent talking-to-strangers movement-in large part because of a concerted national effort to combat the nation's loneliness epidemic. A recent study by the British Red Cross found that a fifth of the British population often or always feels lonely. In 2018, the United Kingdom appointed its first "loneliness minister," a high-ranking government official who steers policy geared toward repairing frayed social ties and reinforcing social cohesion.
In the past few years, numerous grassroots groups have cropped up to try to get Britons to talk to strangers in cafés, pubs, or on mass transit. A "Chatty Café" initiative, in which pubs and cafés set up specially marked tables where strangers can chat, has spread to more than nine hundred locations throughout the United Kingdom and beyond. In 2019, the BBC launched a series called Crossing Divides that sought to inspire people to connect over social, cultural, or ideological differences. This included a "chatty bus" day, during which riders were encouraged to talk to one another, because that "may be the only time we are exposed to others outside the cocoons of our family, friends and colleagues," wrote Emily Kasriel, the BBC's head of special projects.
This was, shall we say, a departure from how the English, and particularly Londoners, usually behave on mass transit. And yet, despite the egregious violation of a time-honored social norm, chatty bus day was a success. "It's the best bus I've been on," one woman told the BBC, confessing that she usually suffers from acute social anxiety. Some members of the general public have...
Strangers in a Classroom
In which I travel all the way to London to relearn what should be a laughably rudimentary human skill, and am made to feel uncomfortable-a sign of things to come.
Our journey begins on a bright day in a small classroom at Regent's University in London. I'm sitting on a chair, palsied with jet lag, clutching my third cup of coffee. There are four other people there, too. They appear to be functioning at a higher level than I am, thankfully. We have come here to learn how to talk to strangers. Our teacher in this endeavor is an energetic twenty-nine-year-old named Georgie Nightingall. Georgie is the founder of Trigger Conversations, a London-based "human connection organization" that hosts social events aimed at facilitating meaningful conversations among strangers. Georgie had been recommended to me by a renowned psychologist whom we will meet soon. I got in touch with her, and when she told me that she was planning an immersive three-day seminar on talking to strangers, I bought a plane ticket. Not long after, I landed in London, slept a couple of hours, and then arrived bright and early to a classroom, more coffee than man, but ready to learn.
Georgie started Trigger Conversations in 2016. Up until then, her background had been eclectic. She had graduated from college in 2014, where she was pursuing both an undergraduate degree in philosophy and a master's in "emotions, credibility, and deception, from a psychology and linguistics angle," as she says. That got her interested in language and conversation. After school, she tried her hand at a few different jobs. She interned at a start-up, worked a series of jobs as a project manager, and was for a time at the Francis Crick Institute, a world-renowned biomedical research facility. "That was my last real job," Georgie says. After that she struck out on her own.
She was always a talker, though the prospect of talking to strangers made her a little hesitant, "partly because of some social anxiety about the fact that it wasn't normal to speak to strangers," she says. However, she had also grown bored with the conversations she was having with new people-the usual "What do you do?" and "How was your day?" interactions that never go anywhere. She wanted to help introduce people to the idea that these conversations don't have to be dull or formulaic. They can be scintillating, informative, and exploratory. After she founded Trigger Conversations, she drafted a short manifesto along those lines: "We are adventurers in conversation," she wrote. "We are travelers without a destination. Exploring the unknown, without expectation. Each one of us a teacher and every person an opportunity."
Georgie, as it turns out, was exploring the unknown in particularly treacherous territory, conversation-wise. London in particular, and the United Kingdom in general, is something of a global center of a nascent talking-to-strangers movement-in large part because of a concerted national effort to combat the nation's loneliness epidemic. A recent study by the British Red Cross found that a fifth of the British population often or always feels lonely. In 2018, the United Kingdom appointed its first "loneliness minister," a high-ranking government official who steers policy geared toward repairing frayed social ties and reinforcing social cohesion.
In the past few years, numerous grassroots groups have cropped up to try to get Britons to talk to strangers in cafés, pubs, or on mass transit. A "Chatty Café" initiative, in which pubs and cafés set up specially marked tables where strangers can chat, has spread to more than nine hundred locations throughout the United Kingdom and beyond. In 2019, the BBC launched a series called Crossing Divides that sought to inspire people to connect over social, cultural, or ideological differences. This included a "chatty bus" day, during which riders were encouraged to talk to one another, because that "may be the only time we are exposed to others outside the cocoons of our family, friends and colleagues," wrote Emily Kasriel, the BBC's head of special projects.
This was, shall we say, a departure from how the English, and particularly Londoners, usually behave on mass transit. And yet, despite the egregious violation of a time-honored social norm, chatty bus day was a success. "It's the best bus I've been on," one woman told the BBC, confessing that she usually suffers from acute social anxiety. Some members of the general public have...
