Relationships
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Grace in the Gray: A More Loving Way to Disagree
By approaching disagreements in a more loving way and seeing the grace and good in those who hold differing viewpoints, you'll gain a deeper understanding of others, yourself, and God-from the bestselling author of Finding God's Life for My Will.
"Written with just the right amount of humor, reflection, and heart, Grace in the Gray shows us how to focus on the people we may disagree with more than focusing on the issue at hand."-Mac Powell, Grammy Award–winning singer and songwriter
In a culture where constant offense and polarization dominate so many interactions, here is good news about a more productive way to disagree: God desires for us to become better at loving others . . . not better at debating.
Grace in the Gray helps us see the grace and good that's often hidden by our own limited perspectives and assumptions. Through a collection of personal stories and biblical insights, Mike Donehey reveals a four-stage process to help you
1. subjectify those you've objectified
2. empathize with those you've vilified
3. humanize those you've deified
4. see why your posture is as essential as your position
In relationships, professional settings, and social situations, discover how to focus on the person standing beforeyou more than the argument set against you. Doing so gives you the rare ability to face any conflict with better questions, kindness, and the calming posture of curiosity.
It all begins by learning to listen and lead with the most transformative substance the universe has ever known . . . God's love.
"Written with just the right amount of humor, reflection, and heart, Grace in the Gray shows us how to focus on the people we may disagree with more than focusing on the issue at hand."-Mac Powell, Grammy Award–winning singer and songwriter
In a culture where constant offense and polarization dominate so many interactions, here is good news about a more productive way to disagree: God desires for us to become better at loving others . . . not better at debating.
Grace in the Gray helps us see the grace and good that's often hidden by our own limited perspectives and assumptions. Through a collection of personal stories and biblical insights, Mike Donehey reveals a four-stage process to help you
1. subjectify those you've objectified
2. empathize with those you've vilified
3. humanize those you've deified
4. see why your posture is as essential as your position
In relationships, professional settings, and social situations, discover how to focus on the person standing beforeyou more than the argument set against you. Doing so gives you the rare ability to face any conflict with better questions, kindness, and the calming posture of curiosity.
It all begins by learning to listen and lead with the most transformative substance the universe has ever known . . . God's love.
Editorial Reviews
"I've had the privilege of knowing Mike Donehey for many years now and have always felt that he is one of the most thoughtful lyricists and communicators I know. Mike is a thinker, but so much more than that, he is a lover of people. Written with just the right amount of humor, reflection, and heart, Grace in the Gray shows us how to focus on the people we may disagree with more than focusing on the issue at hand."-Mac Powell, Grammy Award–winning singer and songwriter
"In a world that is seemingly more divided and polarized than ever, Mike stands out as a peacemaker. He has a unique gift of reaching across the divides and reminding people with his own vulnerability that we are all created and loved by the same God."-Gareth and Ali Gilkeson, Rend Collective
"In a world that is seemingly more divided and polarized than ever, Mike stands out as a peacemaker. He has a unique gift of reaching across the divides and reminding people with his own vulnerability that we are all created and loved by the same God."-Gareth and Ali Gilkeson, Rend Collective
Readers Top Reviews
Short Excerpt Teaser
1
Leaning In
I've never learned anything while I was talking. -Larry King
My sister once stabbed me in the arm with a pencil. I still bear the mark. If you look just above my right elbow, you'll see a little faded gray circle of lead just beneath the surface of my skin. I'm not trying to paint my sister in some villainous light. The truth is, I deserved it.
I forget what we were arguing about, but I know I had spent the better part of an hour harnessing all the agitative force I could muster to see just how angry I could make her. After enduring my assaults for longer than I had expected any human being to last, she slowly turned her gaze in my direction. With one glance at the wild look in her eye, I recoiled. She made two moves simultaneously. In a flash, she grabbed her mechanical pencil and lunged at me with all her might. I shot away from the table and was able to elude her reach for four or five sprints around the kitchen. She maniacally waved the pencil over her head and screamed, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE!"
I slipped as I turned the corner to traverse the staircase. Seizing her advantage, she dove and plunged her writing tool deep into my right biceps. It dangled from my arm for a few moments before falling to the floor. I turned white with shock and finally yelled, "YOU STABBED ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST STABBED ME!"
She did not respond immediately. Rather, she stood up silently, flattened her wrinkled top, and collected herself. Then, with a casual toss of her hair, she said, "Well, now you'll think twice before you aggravate me."
She was right. We didn't fight much after that.
I understand not everyone has lead buried in their upper arm from a childhood grievance, but I do know we all carry scars from the disagreements we've encountered throughout our lives. Anecdotal evidence suggests we could all use a couple of lessons on how to handle confrontation.
How do I know? Well, everyone who's heard me explain the premise of this book has chuckled and said, "Oh yeah, I'd like to read a book on that. I think the world could use a little more grace right now." While maybe some were just being kind (thanks, Mom), I think most meant it. The world could always use a bit more mercy. What if we learned to lean in instead of lunge at one another?
You just proved it too. The fact that you're reading this likely means you've had fights of your own. You wouldn't read a book on the subject if you didn't sense your need for it. Let me encourage you-if you're interested in learning how to disagree in a more loving way, you may not feel it just yet, but change is possible. You proved it by opening this book. Great job. You're already on your way. In the following pages, I hope I can help you find a way to lay your pencils down and learn a more elegant way to disagree.
Here's the hardest part. Before we do anything else, we must learn the art of making room by leaning in. If we are to love in the gray spaces-the places where our arguments find justified footing on either side-curiosity and kindness must lead the way. Our desire to be heard must not overpower our need to hear what others are saying. Our desire to be understood must not overshadow our need to understand others.
But how on earth do we do that? When you feel unheard in an argument, it feels excruciating to shut up and listen. How do you lean in when the other party is already lunging? But as I heard during an interview with the great Jeff Goldblum on the YouTube series Hot Ones (while he was eating an assortment of increasingly spicy vegan hot wings), Goldblum's acting teacher Sandy Meisner once quipped, "You're only interesting to the extent that you're interested."1 That might not make sense, so let me unpack it. I think the world would be a better place if we were all a little more like Jeff Goldblum's acting teacher. By that, I mean that when someone is sitting across the aisle from me and they're showing no signs of caring about my perspective, I want to learn to lean in with curiosity rather than demand they pay attention to the brilliance of my argument.
That is the heart of this book. I want to cultivate interest and fascination. Everyone wants to be interesting and fascinating, but those characteristics begin to show up only as a by-product of learning to be interested and fascinated. I want to cultivate a "tell me more" posture. I may win fewer arguments, but I might just learn a thing or two about the other person-and about myself-if I talk a little less and listen a little more. If you're on board with that aim, if you share that simple desire, let me explain to you how I got there.
Relationships Can ...
Leaning In
I've never learned anything while I was talking. -Larry King
My sister once stabbed me in the arm with a pencil. I still bear the mark. If you look just above my right elbow, you'll see a little faded gray circle of lead just beneath the surface of my skin. I'm not trying to paint my sister in some villainous light. The truth is, I deserved it.
I forget what we were arguing about, but I know I had spent the better part of an hour harnessing all the agitative force I could muster to see just how angry I could make her. After enduring my assaults for longer than I had expected any human being to last, she slowly turned her gaze in my direction. With one glance at the wild look in her eye, I recoiled. She made two moves simultaneously. In a flash, she grabbed her mechanical pencil and lunged at me with all her might. I shot away from the table and was able to elude her reach for four or five sprints around the kitchen. She maniacally waved the pencil over her head and screamed, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE!"
I slipped as I turned the corner to traverse the staircase. Seizing her advantage, she dove and plunged her writing tool deep into my right biceps. It dangled from my arm for a few moments before falling to the floor. I turned white with shock and finally yelled, "YOU STABBED ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST STABBED ME!"
She did not respond immediately. Rather, she stood up silently, flattened her wrinkled top, and collected herself. Then, with a casual toss of her hair, she said, "Well, now you'll think twice before you aggravate me."
She was right. We didn't fight much after that.
I understand not everyone has lead buried in their upper arm from a childhood grievance, but I do know we all carry scars from the disagreements we've encountered throughout our lives. Anecdotal evidence suggests we could all use a couple of lessons on how to handle confrontation.
How do I know? Well, everyone who's heard me explain the premise of this book has chuckled and said, "Oh yeah, I'd like to read a book on that. I think the world could use a little more grace right now." While maybe some were just being kind (thanks, Mom), I think most meant it. The world could always use a bit more mercy. What if we learned to lean in instead of lunge at one another?
You just proved it too. The fact that you're reading this likely means you've had fights of your own. You wouldn't read a book on the subject if you didn't sense your need for it. Let me encourage you-if you're interested in learning how to disagree in a more loving way, you may not feel it just yet, but change is possible. You proved it by opening this book. Great job. You're already on your way. In the following pages, I hope I can help you find a way to lay your pencils down and learn a more elegant way to disagree.
Here's the hardest part. Before we do anything else, we must learn the art of making room by leaning in. If we are to love in the gray spaces-the places where our arguments find justified footing on either side-curiosity and kindness must lead the way. Our desire to be heard must not overpower our need to hear what others are saying. Our desire to be understood must not overshadow our need to understand others.
But how on earth do we do that? When you feel unheard in an argument, it feels excruciating to shut up and listen. How do you lean in when the other party is already lunging? But as I heard during an interview with the great Jeff Goldblum on the YouTube series Hot Ones (while he was eating an assortment of increasingly spicy vegan hot wings), Goldblum's acting teacher Sandy Meisner once quipped, "You're only interesting to the extent that you're interested."1 That might not make sense, so let me unpack it. I think the world would be a better place if we were all a little more like Jeff Goldblum's acting teacher. By that, I mean that when someone is sitting across the aisle from me and they're showing no signs of caring about my perspective, I want to learn to lean in with curiosity rather than demand they pay attention to the brilliance of my argument.
That is the heart of this book. I want to cultivate interest and fascination. Everyone wants to be interesting and fascinating, but those characteristics begin to show up only as a by-product of learning to be interested and fascinated. I want to cultivate a "tell me more" posture. I may win fewer arguments, but I might just learn a thing or two about the other person-and about myself-if I talk a little less and listen a little more. If you're on board with that aim, if you share that simple desire, let me explain to you how I got there.
Relationships Can ...
