Relationships
![Terrence Real - [object Object] author](https://res.cloudinary.com/readsomnia/image/upload/authors/a_a_terrence_real.jpg)
Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (Goop Press)
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Stop working on yourself as an individual and start working on your relationship as a couple, with the help of the renowned family therapist and author of The New Rules of Marriage
"This book is a road map for all of us who seek true intimacy."-GWYNETH PALTROW, founder and CEO of goop
Not much is harder than figuring out how to love your partner in all their messy humanness-and there's also not much that's more important.
At a time when toxic individualism is rending our society at every level, bestselling author and renowned marriage counselor Terrence Real sees how it poisons intimate relationships in his therapy practice, where he works with couples on the brink of disaster. The good news: Warmer, closer, more passionate relationships are possible if you have the right tools.
In his transformative new book Us, Real brilliantly observes how our winner-takes-all culture infiltrates families with devastating results: repetitive fights that go nowhere, or a distant relationship in which partners end up living "alone together." With deft insight, humor, and charm, Real guides you to transform your relationship into one that's based on compassion, collaboration, and closeness.
Us is a groundbreaking guide to a new science-backed skillset-one that will allow you to get past your knee-jerk reactions and tap into your wiser, more collaborative self. With a novelist's flair, Real shares the stories of couples whose relationships have been saved by these skills and pans out to the culture that reinforces our dysfunction. If you and your partner are backed into separate corners of "you" and "me," this book will show the way back to "us." With Us, your true relationship can begin.
"This book is a road map for all of us who seek true intimacy."-GWYNETH PALTROW, founder and CEO of goop
Not much is harder than figuring out how to love your partner in all their messy humanness-and there's also not much that's more important.
At a time when toxic individualism is rending our society at every level, bestselling author and renowned marriage counselor Terrence Real sees how it poisons intimate relationships in his therapy practice, where he works with couples on the brink of disaster. The good news: Warmer, closer, more passionate relationships are possible if you have the right tools.
In his transformative new book Us, Real brilliantly observes how our winner-takes-all culture infiltrates families with devastating results: repetitive fights that go nowhere, or a distant relationship in which partners end up living "alone together." With deft insight, humor, and charm, Real guides you to transform your relationship into one that's based on compassion, collaboration, and closeness.
Us is a groundbreaking guide to a new science-backed skillset-one that will allow you to get past your knee-jerk reactions and tap into your wiser, more collaborative self. With a novelist's flair, Real shares the stories of couples whose relationships have been saved by these skills and pans out to the culture that reinforces our dysfunction. If you and your partner are backed into separate corners of "you" and "me," this book will show the way back to "us." With Us, your true relationship can begin.
Editorial Reviews
"A beautiful and important book, particularly for the moment we are in."-Bruce Springsteen, from the foreword
"It's cliche to say Dr. Terry Real's new book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, changed the way I view every relationship in my life. But it's true."-Katie Couric Media
"When I need advice, I call Terry Real. His decades of clinical experience, research, and wisdom are invaluable to my patients, colleagues, and friends. Us brings his advice to life. It is the book that we all need to read to create more thriving and intimate connections."-Esther Perel, New York Times bestselling author and podcast host of Where Should We Begin
"Terry Real is a wise, honest, and charming guide. This book is a road map for all of us who seek true intimacy. Real's approach teaches us how to step outside of the culture of individualism and embrace our interconnectedness. We can use it to heal a single relationship and to shift our collective culture."-Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop
"Terry Real's work is nothing short of miraculous. In Us, he delves into the dynamics of modern relationships with precision and wisdom, offering practical tools to create true closeness with others. His work has quite simply changed my life. Read this book. It could well changes yours."-Bradley Cooper
"This is a stunning book. With page-turning flair and brilliant insights, Terry Real exposes the hyper-individualism that ruins relationships-and shows us many effective ways to move from ‘me' to ‘we.' A masterpiece from a master psychotherapist."-Rick Hanson, Ph.D, New York Times bestselling author of Resilient
"Love has the power to hurt but it also has the power to heal, and Terry Real shows us how in this revolutionary guide to happy, thriving couplehood. Chock-full of wisdom, research, and innovative teachings, Us is the book every human should read in order to truly understand not just their partners, but themselves."-Lori Gottlieb,
"It's cliche to say Dr. Terry Real's new book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, changed the way I view every relationship in my life. But it's true."-Katie Couric Media
"When I need advice, I call Terry Real. His decades of clinical experience, research, and wisdom are invaluable to my patients, colleagues, and friends. Us brings his advice to life. It is the book that we all need to read to create more thriving and intimate connections."-Esther Perel, New York Times bestselling author and podcast host of Where Should We Begin
"Terry Real is a wise, honest, and charming guide. This book is a road map for all of us who seek true intimacy. Real's approach teaches us how to step outside of the culture of individualism and embrace our interconnectedness. We can use it to heal a single relationship and to shift our collective culture."-Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop
"Terry Real's work is nothing short of miraculous. In Us, he delves into the dynamics of modern relationships with precision and wisdom, offering practical tools to create true closeness with others. His work has quite simply changed my life. Read this book. It could well changes yours."-Bradley Cooper
"This is a stunning book. With page-turning flair and brilliant insights, Terry Real exposes the hyper-individualism that ruins relationships-and shows us many effective ways to move from ‘me' to ‘we.' A masterpiece from a master psychotherapist."-Rick Hanson, Ph.D, New York Times bestselling author of Resilient
"Love has the power to hurt but it also has the power to heal, and Terry Real shows us how in this revolutionary guide to happy, thriving couplehood. Chock-full of wisdom, research, and innovative teachings, Us is the book every human should read in order to truly understand not just their partners, but themselves."-Lori Gottlieb,
Readers Top Reviews
Betsy R.A. Dorsay
I am a longtime fan of Terry Real’s groundbreaking work, and this is his best book yet on how to move past toxic individualism in our relationships to establish a genuine and deep connection. It’s readable, easy to follow, and written with warmth and humor. He also shared stories from his own life, which I appreciate.
Alicia
I've been chomping at the bit to read this book. After pre-ordering it months ago, I finally saw it pop into my Audible library. Terry Real's books have had a huge positive impact on my personal growth and how I do relationships. He's funny, direct and smart, and he make sense of social trends, historical contexts, personal dynamics and internal struggles that shape relationships. His books have always helped me connect the dots and experience clarity in love. In "Us," the case stories illustrate universal relationship challenges. They resonate deeply with my own struggles. Terry has helped me recognize that most times when I'm about to be mean or critical toward my partner, I'm using a strategy I learned from a past authority figure or caregiver who was mean to me. In moments when I feel reactive, I have a choice to be like this person from my past who hurt me, or to be the loving partner I truly am. Because Terry's writing is skillful and vivid, his guidance pops back into my mind in the moments when I most need to remember it. If you want to reap the benefits of months of intensive couples therapy for under $25, this is the book for you.
LaffingKat
This is an eye-opening guide to how childhood trauma affects adult relationships, and how we can recover from our past to improve our present. Although this is aimed at married couples, the skills can be used in any kind of relationship. The author, Relational Life therapist Terry Real, offers inclusive relationship guidance, respectful of all genders and orientations, in a conversational tone. Although I have already read a lot about trauma, I found the author’s discussion of relational trauma quite helpful, and I particularly appreciated his trauma grid. One of my favorite quotes from the book is when the author states, “I believe there’s no such thing as overreacting; it’s just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what’s in front of them.” The author includes many examples from clients in his practice to help you understand how to stop reacting from your wounded inner child and instead respond from your wise adult self. In addition, he cites relevant literature, with extensive notes and bibliography in the back matter. I found this book excellent for encouraging having compassion toward self and others while also setting healthy boundaries. I highly recommend this book for anyone interested in understanding and overcoming their triggers and improving their relationships with romantic partners, as well as with coworkers, family, and friends. I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.
Terry
US lays clear a path for couples as well as individuals to live more purposeful lives, more connected lives. He does, indeed, teach and encourage counselors to work with the grandiosity in ourselves and others. I started and finished the book in 24 hours, 5 ⭐️!
E. Fike
This book is so freaking good. It's full of endless nuggets of wisdom. I absolutely love Terry reel. It's just so refreshing to feel like someone can offer you a focused version of what is true.
Short Excerpt Teaser
Remembering Love
Before you pick up that verbal knife, before you brick yourself in even further, let me remind you that you love this person. And therein lies the rub, my friend. Do you remember, really, in that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses through your veins, that you love this person? Do you remember it when your body shuts down and, for the life of you, you can barely squeak out a word or two? The sobering answer, if you're dead honest with yourself, is that you do not. In that heated moment, the sweetness between you, the sense of the two of you as a team facing the world together, the sense of us, is nearly impossible to locate.
The good news is that the love is still there. The bad news is that it's stored in parts of your brain, body, and nervous system that, in those flash moments, you no longer inhabit. Your endocrine system is on high alert, pumping stimulants into your bloodstream. Your autonomic nervous system-far below your consciousness-is in fight-or-flight, spurring you on or shutting you down. The higher functions of your brain (the prefrontal cortex, the reins) have gone completely offline, while the more primitive parts of your brain (the limbic system, particularly the amygdalae) have decisively taken over.
At those times, the brain is in a state in which the prefrontal cortex is neither connected to nor soothing the subcortical system. Without that soothing and connection, we lose a pause between what we feel and what we do. These more primitive parts of our bodies and brains care only about our personal survival; they have no interest in maintaining the vulnerability of intimacy. Us evaporates and becomes you and me, adversaries in a cold world of I win, you lose.
Us is the seat of closeness. You and me is the seat of adversarial contest. You and me is great when you are confronting a tiger, but less so when you are confronting your spouse, your boss, or your child. In those fraught moments, what makes it so hard to keep a cool head is a million or so years of evolution, plus one other powerful force: trauma. Trauma pulls you into survival mode, in which you are clenching your fists for the fight or clamping your jaws shut like a fortress. And the more trauma you sustained as a child, the more compelling you and me becomes.
If you are thinking, Well, gosh, I didn't have much trauma growing up, my answer is maybe. We'll talk about it later. But before you make up your mind, why not settle into my discussion of childhood trauma? Because sometimes it doesn't take much. Depending on your constitution and a host of other variables, it may take only a slight tap on the egg to produce fissures that can last a lifetime.
What's Your Trauma?
When I'm working with a couple, I have one important question in my mind. It's not What are the stressors? Stressors-like the pandemic, money woes, mismatched sex drives, kids, and in-laws-are all important, but a well-functioning couple can handle a reasonable amount of stress. The critical question I think about is not even What is the dynamic, the choreography, between you? That's also an important question, but it's not the most essential. The central question I ask myself during a therapy session is simply this one: Which part of you am I talking to?
Am I talking to the mature part of you, the one who's present in the here and now? This is the part I call the Wise Adult. That's the part that cares about us. Or am I speaking to a triggered part of you, to your adversarial you and me consciousness? The triggered part of you sees things through the prism of the past. I believe there's no such thing as overreacting; it's just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what's in front of them. One of the blessings that partners in intimate relationships bestow upon each other is the simple and healing gift of their presence. But in order to be present with your partner, you must yourself be in the present, not saturated by your past.
The phrase trauma memory is really a misnomer. You don't remember trauma; you relive it. The combat vet who hears a car backfire and suddenly spins around like he's gripping a rifle is not thinking, Now I'm walking down Main Street remembering combat. In that flash moment, the vet is viscerally back at war. The past superimposes itself onto the present, fundamentally confusing the mind. When our trauma is triggered, we might physically spring into fight-or-flight mode. Faced with an overwhelming shock-infidelity, for example-I've seen patients gasp and head for the door before they came to in my hal...
Before you pick up that verbal knife, before you brick yourself in even further, let me remind you that you love this person. And therein lies the rub, my friend. Do you remember, really, in that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses through your veins, that you love this person? Do you remember it when your body shuts down and, for the life of you, you can barely squeak out a word or two? The sobering answer, if you're dead honest with yourself, is that you do not. In that heated moment, the sweetness between you, the sense of the two of you as a team facing the world together, the sense of us, is nearly impossible to locate.
The good news is that the love is still there. The bad news is that it's stored in parts of your brain, body, and nervous system that, in those flash moments, you no longer inhabit. Your endocrine system is on high alert, pumping stimulants into your bloodstream. Your autonomic nervous system-far below your consciousness-is in fight-or-flight, spurring you on or shutting you down. The higher functions of your brain (the prefrontal cortex, the reins) have gone completely offline, while the more primitive parts of your brain (the limbic system, particularly the amygdalae) have decisively taken over.
At those times, the brain is in a state in which the prefrontal cortex is neither connected to nor soothing the subcortical system. Without that soothing and connection, we lose a pause between what we feel and what we do. These more primitive parts of our bodies and brains care only about our personal survival; they have no interest in maintaining the vulnerability of intimacy. Us evaporates and becomes you and me, adversaries in a cold world of I win, you lose.
Us is the seat of closeness. You and me is the seat of adversarial contest. You and me is great when you are confronting a tiger, but less so when you are confronting your spouse, your boss, or your child. In those fraught moments, what makes it so hard to keep a cool head is a million or so years of evolution, plus one other powerful force: trauma. Trauma pulls you into survival mode, in which you are clenching your fists for the fight or clamping your jaws shut like a fortress. And the more trauma you sustained as a child, the more compelling you and me becomes.
If you are thinking, Well, gosh, I didn't have much trauma growing up, my answer is maybe. We'll talk about it later. But before you make up your mind, why not settle into my discussion of childhood trauma? Because sometimes it doesn't take much. Depending on your constitution and a host of other variables, it may take only a slight tap on the egg to produce fissures that can last a lifetime.
What's Your Trauma?
When I'm working with a couple, I have one important question in my mind. It's not What are the stressors? Stressors-like the pandemic, money woes, mismatched sex drives, kids, and in-laws-are all important, but a well-functioning couple can handle a reasonable amount of stress. The critical question I think about is not even What is the dynamic, the choreography, between you? That's also an important question, but it's not the most essential. The central question I ask myself during a therapy session is simply this one: Which part of you am I talking to?
Am I talking to the mature part of you, the one who's present in the here and now? This is the part I call the Wise Adult. That's the part that cares about us. Or am I speaking to a triggered part of you, to your adversarial you and me consciousness? The triggered part of you sees things through the prism of the past. I believe there's no such thing as overreacting; it's just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what's in front of them. One of the blessings that partners in intimate relationships bestow upon each other is the simple and healing gift of their presence. But in order to be present with your partner, you must yourself be in the present, not saturated by your past.
The phrase trauma memory is really a misnomer. You don't remember trauma; you relive it. The combat vet who hears a car backfire and suddenly spins around like he's gripping a rifle is not thinking, Now I'm walking down Main Street remembering combat. In that flash moment, the vet is viscerally back at war. The past superimposes itself onto the present, fundamentally confusing the mind. When our trauma is triggered, we might physically spring into fight-or-flight mode. Faced with an overwhelming shock-infidelity, for example-I've seen patients gasp and head for the door before they came to in my hal...
