Arts & Literature
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Smile: A Memoir
* A People Best Book of the Year * Time and The Washington Post's Most Anticipated List * Longlisted for the Andrew Carnegie Medal for Excellence *
From the MacArthur genius, two-time Pulitzer Prize finalist, and playwright, this "captivating, insightful memoir" (Kirkus Reviews, starred review) is "a beautiful meditation on identity and how we see ourselves" (Real Simple).
With a play opening on Broadway, and every reason to smile, Sarah Ruhl has just survived a high-risk pregnancy when she discovers the left side of her face is completely paralyzed. She is assured that 90 percent of Bell's palsy patients experience a full recovery-like Ruhl's own mother. But Sarah is in the unlucky ten percent. And for a woman, wife, mother, and artist working in theater, the paralysis and the disconnect between the interior and exterior brings significant and specific challenges. So Ruhl begins an intense decade-long search for a cure while simultaneously grappling with the reality of her new face-one that, while recognizably her own-is incapable of accurately communicating feelings or intentions.
In a series of piercing, profound, and lucid meditations, Ruhl chronicles her journey as a patient, wife, mother, and artist. She explores the struggle of a body yearning to match its inner landscape, the pain of postpartum depression, the story of a marriage, being a playwright and working mom to three small children, and the desire for a resilient spiritual life in the face of illness.
An intimate and "stunning" (Publishers Weekly, starred review) examination of loss and reconciliation, "Ruhl reminds us that a smile is not just a smile but a vital form of communication, of bonding, of what makes us human" (The Washington Post). Brimming with insight, humility, and levity, Smile is a triumph by one of America's leading playwrights.
From the MacArthur genius, two-time Pulitzer Prize finalist, and playwright, this "captivating, insightful memoir" (Kirkus Reviews, starred review) is "a beautiful meditation on identity and how we see ourselves" (Real Simple).
With a play opening on Broadway, and every reason to smile, Sarah Ruhl has just survived a high-risk pregnancy when she discovers the left side of her face is completely paralyzed. She is assured that 90 percent of Bell's palsy patients experience a full recovery-like Ruhl's own mother. But Sarah is in the unlucky ten percent. And for a woman, wife, mother, and artist working in theater, the paralysis and the disconnect between the interior and exterior brings significant and specific challenges. So Ruhl begins an intense decade-long search for a cure while simultaneously grappling with the reality of her new face-one that, while recognizably her own-is incapable of accurately communicating feelings or intentions.
In a series of piercing, profound, and lucid meditations, Ruhl chronicles her journey as a patient, wife, mother, and artist. She explores the struggle of a body yearning to match its inner landscape, the pain of postpartum depression, the story of a marriage, being a playwright and working mom to three small children, and the desire for a resilient spiritual life in the face of illness.
An intimate and "stunning" (Publishers Weekly, starred review) examination of loss and reconciliation, "Ruhl reminds us that a smile is not just a smile but a vital form of communication, of bonding, of what makes us human" (The Washington Post). Brimming with insight, humility, and levity, Smile is a triumph by one of America's leading playwrights.
Editorial Reviews
"Easily one of the best things I've read this year… Not unlike her stage work, thoughts, moods and ideas skip through so seamlessly, you pause momentarily, not out of confusion but to look up, surprised at your destination. If you require a memoir to provide a lesson, it's this: Stop trying to read a person's face." -CHICAGO TRIBUNE
"A beautiful meditation on identity and how we see ourselves." -REAL SIMPLE
"In this stunning work, two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Ruhl reflects on her long and arduous battle with Bell's palsy after giving birth to twins....As she recounts learning to find joy in small things-such as regaining the ability to blink-Ruhl proves that even life at its most mundane can be fascinating. This incredibly inspiring story offers hope where it's least expected." -PUBLISHERS WEEKLY (starred review)
"Wise, intimate, and moving…. A captivating, insightful memoir." -KIRKUS REVIEWS (starred review)
"Smile is at once an illness narrative, a meditation on smiling as cultural practice and symbol, and a compelling, behind-the-scenes look at the life of a playwright and mother." -SHELF AWARENESS
"With a poet's sharp eye for detail and a playwright's grasp of both the tragic and the absurd, Sarah Ruhl has written a remarkable book. Smile is at once a gripping story and a profound exploration of the mysteries of illness. I know of nothing like it." -JAMES SHAPIRO, author of Shakespeare in a Divided America
"I'm now accustomed to Sarah's whipping out profound and necessary books that I can't put down even when I smell dinner burning, but I guess I wasn't prepared for her book about Bell's Palsy to provide some of the most deeply romantic passages about married love I have ever read. I smiled, for sure, but I also swooned and ached and was left with goose-flesh more than once. I adore this book."
-MARY LOUISE PARKER, New York Times bestselling author of De...
"A beautiful meditation on identity and how we see ourselves." -REAL SIMPLE
"In this stunning work, two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Ruhl reflects on her long and arduous battle with Bell's palsy after giving birth to twins....As she recounts learning to find joy in small things-such as regaining the ability to blink-Ruhl proves that even life at its most mundane can be fascinating. This incredibly inspiring story offers hope where it's least expected." -PUBLISHERS WEEKLY (starred review)
"Wise, intimate, and moving…. A captivating, insightful memoir." -KIRKUS REVIEWS (starred review)
"Smile is at once an illness narrative, a meditation on smiling as cultural practice and symbol, and a compelling, behind-the-scenes look at the life of a playwright and mother." -SHELF AWARENESS
"With a poet's sharp eye for detail and a playwright's grasp of both the tragic and the absurd, Sarah Ruhl has written a remarkable book. Smile is at once a gripping story and a profound exploration of the mysteries of illness. I know of nothing like it." -JAMES SHAPIRO, author of Shakespeare in a Divided America
"I'm now accustomed to Sarah's whipping out profound and necessary books that I can't put down even when I smell dinner burning, but I guess I wasn't prepared for her book about Bell's Palsy to provide some of the most deeply romantic passages about married love I have ever read. I smiled, for sure, but I also swooned and ached and was left with goose-flesh more than once. I adore this book."
-MARY LOUISE PARKER, New York Times bestselling author of De...
Readers Top Reviews
HeatherK.ReddinMa
Absolutely enjoyed this book and and her journey. Interesting now as we wear masks so we don't see much expressions on people's faces and focus instead on eyes. Highly recommend this book
With her conversational tone and self-deprecating style, Rhul tells her own story while dropping in notable quotes from other sages. Hard to put down, but I plan to pass my copy forward to a girlfriend with Bell's palsy. She not only contracted the condition after birthing her son, she went on to risk it all by having a second child. Talk about brave!
Melissa Loftis
If you want to know and understand what it’s like to have a facial paralysis (Bell’sPalsy) or have Bells Palsy and want to know your not alone, this is the book to read. In this time of selfies and instant photos the word ‘smile’ can be an emotionally charged word, for those who can’t smile . The ‘facial expression’ or a ‘smile’ is something the majority of people take for granted. This basic human interaction can have a deep affect on someone who is no longer able to do so.
Sean SerdarHannah
Book written to describe a strong women who lucked out in having fertility issues but was able to bear children and live an amazing life!!
Short Excerpt Teaser
Chapter 1: Twins CHAPTER 1 Twins
Ten years ago, my smile walked off my face, and wandered out in the world. This is the story of my asking it to come back. This is a story of how I learned to make my way when my body stopped obeying my heart.
But this story begins with hope-the very particular hope of a birth to come. I was lying down in a dressing gown, cold gel on my belly, waiting as the lab technician looked for a heartbeat. I already had a three-year-old girl, and was expecting my second child. I was also expecting to have a play I'd written to be performed on Broadway in five months, and was slightly nervous about the potential collision of two kinds of abundance.
Suddenly the lab technician pointed to the screen and said, "Do you know what that is?"
"No," I said.
I flashed on the ultrasound I'd had before miscarrying my second pregnancy, when the obstetrician had said the fetus looked not quite right and probably wouldn't last. "Don't, like, go out and get drunk, though," she had said in a tone not quite teasing, "just in case it's viable."
"Uh, not to worry," I had said, wondering what gave her the impression that I would go out and get wasted that weekend.
So this time, I feared the worst as I lay there, nervous, while the lab technician squinted at a screen I could not see. "Look!" she said, pointing. There was movement, a heart beating, it seemed to me. A heartbeat, that's good, I thought, but what was wrong? Why was her brow furrowed? Was she alarmed, or, wait, was she pleased? "Did you use fertility treatments?" she asked.
"No," I said.
"Well," she said, "you have twins!"
"Oh!" I said.
"Do twins run in your family?"
"No," I said. My mind raced to keep up with my body.
"You can go to the waiting room," she said. "I'll give you a list of new providers. We can no longer be your ob-gyn because your pregnancy is now considered high-risk."
This was a great deal to absorb-that I had two babies inside me and was also now considered high-risk, so much so that they wanted to get me out of their SoHo office as soon as possible before I got preeclampsia and sued them.
I got dressed. I happened to be alone for this appointment; I had planned to meet my husband afterwards for lunch, where we would celebrate if there was a heartbeat, or commiserate if there was not. Now I was sorry I'd come alone. I wanted to tell my husband, Tony, the news immediately, but it also seemed strange to reveal such big tidings over the phone.
So I texted him: "Meet me at Gramercy Tavern instead of at Rice."
"Twins?" he texted back.
Gramercy Tavern was closed for lunch. Tony and I went to Rice, as planned. We were both in shock; Tony, on top of the shock, evinced buoyancy, elation. Coming from a family of three siblings, he'd always wanted three. Being from a family of two, I'd settled on two. I'd even, at one point, settled on one, when I read in an Alice Walker essay that women writers should only have one child if they hoped to remain writers. "With one child you can move," wrote Walker. "With more than one you're a sitting duck."
At lunch, Tony and I talked about how my miscarried child had wandered back, not to be excluded from this birth. We talked about how we would manage with three. I told Tony my fears: that my body could not contain this much abundance and that I'd never write again. He said he had faith in my body and mind.
At the end of the meal, I got a fortune cookie. I cracked it open. It read: "Deliver what is inside you, and it will save your life."
Everyone seemed jubilant about the news, but I was overwhelmed. I found myself feeling vaguely sick when thumbing through books about multiples in the pregnancy section of the bookstore. There were pictures of breastfeeding triplets, and I didn't want to know about all that. It struck me as grotesque, as though I had once been a woman but was now hurtling towards becoming full mammal, all breasts and logistics. I worried that I wouldn't be able to give enough attention to my three-year-old, Anna. I feared that my body wouldn't tolerate two babies; I feared that my writing wouldn't survive three children.
I called my mother with the news. I gave off a scent of "How can this have happened?"
My mother paused, then said, "Well, your great-aunt Laura had twins."
"Why didn't I know?"
"They were stillborn," she said.
Twins run on the mother's side, skipping a generation. Poor great-aunt Laura, whose heartbreak I never knew. Somewhere in Iowa in the 1950s she buried two babies on the prairie and never spoke of it. I imagin...
Ten years ago, my smile walked off my face, and wandered out in the world. This is the story of my asking it to come back. This is a story of how I learned to make my way when my body stopped obeying my heart.
But this story begins with hope-the very particular hope of a birth to come. I was lying down in a dressing gown, cold gel on my belly, waiting as the lab technician looked for a heartbeat. I already had a three-year-old girl, and was expecting my second child. I was also expecting to have a play I'd written to be performed on Broadway in five months, and was slightly nervous about the potential collision of two kinds of abundance.
Suddenly the lab technician pointed to the screen and said, "Do you know what that is?"
"No," I said.
I flashed on the ultrasound I'd had before miscarrying my second pregnancy, when the obstetrician had said the fetus looked not quite right and probably wouldn't last. "Don't, like, go out and get drunk, though," she had said in a tone not quite teasing, "just in case it's viable."
"Uh, not to worry," I had said, wondering what gave her the impression that I would go out and get wasted that weekend.
So this time, I feared the worst as I lay there, nervous, while the lab technician squinted at a screen I could not see. "Look!" she said, pointing. There was movement, a heart beating, it seemed to me. A heartbeat, that's good, I thought, but what was wrong? Why was her brow furrowed? Was she alarmed, or, wait, was she pleased? "Did you use fertility treatments?" she asked.
"No," I said.
"Well," she said, "you have twins!"
"Oh!" I said.
"Do twins run in your family?"
"No," I said. My mind raced to keep up with my body.
"You can go to the waiting room," she said. "I'll give you a list of new providers. We can no longer be your ob-gyn because your pregnancy is now considered high-risk."
This was a great deal to absorb-that I had two babies inside me and was also now considered high-risk, so much so that they wanted to get me out of their SoHo office as soon as possible before I got preeclampsia and sued them.
I got dressed. I happened to be alone for this appointment; I had planned to meet my husband afterwards for lunch, where we would celebrate if there was a heartbeat, or commiserate if there was not. Now I was sorry I'd come alone. I wanted to tell my husband, Tony, the news immediately, but it also seemed strange to reveal such big tidings over the phone.
So I texted him: "Meet me at Gramercy Tavern instead of at Rice."
"Twins?" he texted back.
Gramercy Tavern was closed for lunch. Tony and I went to Rice, as planned. We were both in shock; Tony, on top of the shock, evinced buoyancy, elation. Coming from a family of three siblings, he'd always wanted three. Being from a family of two, I'd settled on two. I'd even, at one point, settled on one, when I read in an Alice Walker essay that women writers should only have one child if they hoped to remain writers. "With one child you can move," wrote Walker. "With more than one you're a sitting duck."
At lunch, Tony and I talked about how my miscarried child had wandered back, not to be excluded from this birth. We talked about how we would manage with three. I told Tony my fears: that my body could not contain this much abundance and that I'd never write again. He said he had faith in my body and mind.
At the end of the meal, I got a fortune cookie. I cracked it open. It read: "Deliver what is inside you, and it will save your life."
Everyone seemed jubilant about the news, but I was overwhelmed. I found myself feeling vaguely sick when thumbing through books about multiples in the pregnancy section of the bookstore. There were pictures of breastfeeding triplets, and I didn't want to know about all that. It struck me as grotesque, as though I had once been a woman but was now hurtling towards becoming full mammal, all breasts and logistics. I worried that I wouldn't be able to give enough attention to my three-year-old, Anna. I feared that my body wouldn't tolerate two babies; I feared that my writing wouldn't survive three children.
I called my mother with the news. I gave off a scent of "How can this have happened?"
My mother paused, then said, "Well, your great-aunt Laura had twins."
"Why didn't I know?"
"They were stillborn," she said.
Twins run on the mother's side, skipping a generation. Poor great-aunt Laura, whose heartbreak I never knew. Somewhere in Iowa in the 1950s she buried two babies on the prairie and never spoke of it. I imagin...
