Relationships
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Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The author of Get Out of Your Head offers practical solutions for creating true community, the kind that's crucial to our mental and spiritual health.
"My dear friend Jennie Allen shows us how to make true emotional connections with the right people so that our authentic relationships can be healthy for all."-Lysa TerKeurst, author of It's Not Supposed to Be This Way
In a world that's both more connected and more isolating than ever before, we're often tempted to do life alone, whether because we're so busy or because relationships feel risky and hard. But science confirms that consistent, meaningful connection with others has a powerful impact on our well-being. We are meant to live known and loved. But so many are hiding behind emotional walls that we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.
In Find Your People, bestselling author Jennie Allen draws on fascinating insights from science and history, timeless biblical truth, and vulnerable stories from her own life to help you:
• overcome the barriers to making new friends and learn to initiate with easy-to-follow steps
• find simple ways to press through awkward to get to authentic in conversations
• understand how conflict can strengthen relationships rather than destroy them
• identify the type of friend you are and the types of friends you need
• learn the five practical ingredients you need to have the type of friends you've always longed for
You were created to play, engage, adventure, and explore-with others. In Find Your People, you'll discover exactly how to dive into the deep end and experience the full wonder of community. Because while the ache of loneliness is real, it doesn't have to be your reality.
"My dear friend Jennie Allen shows us how to make true emotional connections with the right people so that our authentic relationships can be healthy for all."-Lysa TerKeurst, author of It's Not Supposed to Be This Way
In a world that's both more connected and more isolating than ever before, we're often tempted to do life alone, whether because we're so busy or because relationships feel risky and hard. But science confirms that consistent, meaningful connection with others has a powerful impact on our well-being. We are meant to live known and loved. But so many are hiding behind emotional walls that we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.
In Find Your People, bestselling author Jennie Allen draws on fascinating insights from science and history, timeless biblical truth, and vulnerable stories from her own life to help you:
• overcome the barriers to making new friends and learn to initiate with easy-to-follow steps
• find simple ways to press through awkward to get to authentic in conversations
• understand how conflict can strengthen relationships rather than destroy them
• identify the type of friend you are and the types of friends you need
• learn the five practical ingredients you need to have the type of friends you've always longed for
You were created to play, engage, adventure, and explore-with others. In Find Your People, you'll discover exactly how to dive into the deep end and experience the full wonder of community. Because while the ache of loneliness is real, it doesn't have to be your reality.
Editorial Reviews
"We know we need to do life with other people and have a supportive community around us instead of living in isolation, but we often wonder how when we've had friendships fail, we've been hurt, or we feel too busy to even make the effort. In Find Your People, my dear friend Jennie Allen shows us how to make true emotional connections with the right people so that our authentic relationships can be healthy for all."-Lysa TerKeurst, #1 New York Times bestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries
"This book is a true reflection of God's heart for us to experience authentic, vulnerable, and meaningful relationships. Through Jennie's wisdom and practical advice, she shares how to overcome the common barriers that keep us from finding our people and pushes us to fight to replace loneliness with community."-Sadie Robertson Huff, author, speaker, and founder of Live Original
"I can't think of a better book or message for our current moment than Find Your People. We are starving for community, meaning, and deeper, more life-giving relationships-and Jennie gives us the road map to actually get there. This book is essential reading for our tired and lonely souls."-Jefferson Bethke, New York Times bestselling author of Take Back Your Family
"Jennie Allen not only casts an incredible vision for true friendship and community, but she also leads the way by example. In an age when we're tempted to believe deep and meaningful friendships are impossible, Find Your People is a timely, practical resource."-Ruth Chou Simons, Wall Street Journal bestselling author, artist, and founder of gracelaceddotcom
"Deep community is the path to health, joy, success, connection. Find Your People will inspire you, challenge you, and encourage you toward the relationships you need and want."-Annie F. Downs, New York Times bestselling author of That Sounds Fun
"For this generation Jennie Allen is the vulnerable voice we need, and with Find Your People she has provided a beacon-illuminated map that is as practical as it is inspiring. Read this and find your people. Read this and find the life you have been hungering and thirsting for. Read this and find Jesus."-Curt Thompson, MD, author of The Soul of Desire and The Soul of Shame
"We were never designed to journey through life alone. We need to be seen, to be known, and to belong in order to flourish. In Find Your People, Jennie Allen shows us how to build deeper, stronger relationships that point us to Jesus and help us live out our God-given purpose."-Christine Caine, speaker, author, and f...
"This book is a true reflection of God's heart for us to experience authentic, vulnerable, and meaningful relationships. Through Jennie's wisdom and practical advice, she shares how to overcome the common barriers that keep us from finding our people and pushes us to fight to replace loneliness with community."-Sadie Robertson Huff, author, speaker, and founder of Live Original
"I can't think of a better book or message for our current moment than Find Your People. We are starving for community, meaning, and deeper, more life-giving relationships-and Jennie gives us the road map to actually get there. This book is essential reading for our tired and lonely souls."-Jefferson Bethke, New York Times bestselling author of Take Back Your Family
"Jennie Allen not only casts an incredible vision for true friendship and community, but she also leads the way by example. In an age when we're tempted to believe deep and meaningful friendships are impossible, Find Your People is a timely, practical resource."-Ruth Chou Simons, Wall Street Journal bestselling author, artist, and founder of gracelaceddotcom
"Deep community is the path to health, joy, success, connection. Find Your People will inspire you, challenge you, and encourage you toward the relationships you need and want."-Annie F. Downs, New York Times bestselling author of That Sounds Fun
"For this generation Jennie Allen is the vulnerable voice we need, and with Find Your People she has provided a beacon-illuminated map that is as practical as it is inspiring. Read this and find your people. Read this and find the life you have been hungering and thirsting for. Read this and find Jesus."-Curt Thompson, MD, author of The Soul of Desire and The Soul of Shame
"We were never designed to journey through life alone. We need to be seen, to be known, and to belong in order to flourish. In Find Your People, Jennie Allen shows us how to build deeper, stronger relationships that point us to Jesus and help us live out our God-given purpose."-Christine Caine, speaker, author, and f...
Readers Top Reviews
BookGirl73H.E.M.K
If we have learned anything during the past two years of the Global Pandemic, it's that we need people. We were not meant to live life alone. God has created us to be relational. Finding friends can be difficult. How do we find people we can trust enough to let them into the deep parts of our lives? Jennie Allen's new book, Find Your People answers that question. She gives us the tools to find those people who will enrich our lives and make us better, stronger humans as a result. Jennie is real about the struggle of the being new kid and trying to Find Your People. With a strong Biblical foundation, she invites us to the challenge of being awkward and vulnerable to find the people we were meant to do life with. It's a hard challenge - a rewarding challenge. One that is definitely worth taking on. Jennie writes with passion and conviction, out of her personal experience. She is very relatable and opens up her heart in a way that I found very familiar. I've moved a lot and often found myself at a loss for friends, waiting for someone else to initiate a conversation. As an adult, and introvert, it is still a challenge to break in to well-established groups. Find Your People is exactly the book I've needed to help be the right kind of friend and to find the right kind of friends. Thanks Jennie!
BeccaDel Rey Carl
Part 1 of the book sets up the problem and assures us we're not the only lonely ones. Part 2 of this book felt not quite ready for the general population, though. Would have been nice if the author had run her steps past a group of low-income folks, single parents, introverts, etc. to see if the ideas were practical for those groups, then adjust Part 2's advice accordingly. Part 3 resonated more with me, but still didn't quite hit the mark. I'm looking for books that ask me to chase after God's plans, not my own, and this book was mostly self-help like I'd find from a non-Christian. Didn't fly with me, though I loved Jennie's last book.
@thefruitfulnestB
As division seems so prevalent in todays world, it’s no wonder we are experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. In a world of instant gratification, it’s no wonder we get discouraged when we don’t have overnight BFFs. We crave connection, community, and friends we can count on but we have forgotten what it takes to cultivate those things in our lives. In Jennie’s newest book, she graciously reminds us of how we were created from and for community and challenges us to do the work to fulfill that longing we have for it. Tangible ways to accomplish this, examples of what this can look like, and encouragement you need to do the hard things and have the awkward conversations that are necessary to yield the community and connections you desire. You can do it alone, so buy two copies, give one to a friend and read through it together! You won’t be disappointed!
Olivia @thefruitf
For anyone who feels even the slightest bit lonely or isolated, or who wants to build deep, meaningful relationships but isn’t sure how - this book is for you! In fact, this book is for you even if you feel like you’re a pro at relationships, because there is something for all of us to learn about building community. Jennie writes in such an approachable, humble way that feels like she’s sitting down having a one-on-one conversation with you. She delves into the importance of community and how our modern society is increasingly individualistic… and ultimately isolated, which was never God’s design. She then tackles several key components to building authentic community and explores the obstacles that hold us back. What I love about this book is that it’s not only relatable, but is filled with practical advice on how to begin pursuing community. At the end of several chapters, Jennie includes a bunch of examples and ideas of ways you can begin to develop deeper connections with old or new friends alike. I strongly encourage you to pick up this book! It will challenge the way you think and approach community - for the better.
Jace AllenOlivia
Confession: I had no intention of reading this book. My husband and I are planting a new church campus, have two toddlers, and are pretty proactive in connecting with people. So zero minutes to spare and felt like I had this topic pretty well under my thumb. Praise God for proving me so wrong by the third chapter! I am seeing this topic is NOT under my thumb and this new church campus DESPERATELY needs this as part of the culture! I've learned that always initiating does not mean I'm needy, doing friendship wrong, they don't like me, etc. It means that initiating is hard and the world needs more people with well exercised initiating muscles. I am looking forward to planting this new church campus with these truths in my belt and inking this fresh page with strong community with community that doesn't quit. Whether you're fresh out of college or fresh into retirement, finding your people is life giving and contagious. I highly recommend spending some time with this book and then go change the world with your people!
Short Excerpt Teaser
1.
There Is Another Way
Do you believe that you were built for true, radical connection? Even if you're an introvert, we all are physically, emotionally, and spiritually hardwired by God for relationship. From the moment you were born until you take your last breath, deep, authentic connection is the thing your soul most craves. Not just as an occasional experience, but as a reality woven into every day of your life.
But to access this reality, you'll have to make some changes. Because something is fundamentally wrong with how we have built our lives.
We spend our evenings and weekends tucked into our little residences with our little family or our roommates or alone, staring at our little screens. We make dinner for just us and never want to trouble our neighbors for anything. We fill a small, little crevice called home with everything we could possibly need, we keep our doors locked tight, and we feel all safe and sound. But we've completely cut ourselves off from people outside our little self-protective world. We may feel comfortable and safe and independent and entertained.
But also we feel completely sad.
Nearly all of us live this way, and yet it's just not working for any of us. As I mentioned, research says that more than three in five Americans report being chronically lonely, and that number is "on the rise." These stats are indicators of a grave and costly crisis. Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts are all on the rise. Scientists now warn that loneliness is worse for our health than obesity, smoking, lack of access to health care, and physical inactivity.
So why are we letting it define our days?
Is this living? Is this how life is supposed to go?
Let me skip to the answer: No. It isn't supposed to be this way! You know what you were actually built for?
•Long, meaningful conversations with people who have known you for years and would donate their kidney if you needed it.
•People who drop by with pizza and paper plates unannounced because they missed you and aren't afraid to intrude.
•Regular unscheduled and unhurried time with people who feel like family, even if they aren't.
•The obvious few who scream with joy when you share your awesome news and cry with you when you share your hard stuff.
•People who show up early to help you cook and stay late to clean up.
•People who hurt you and who are hurt by you, but who choose to work through it with you instead of both of you quitting on each other.
•People who live on mission beside you, who challenge you and make you better.
•People who know they are your people, and you are theirs. People who belong to each other.
This is a book about how to find our people-the ones we'll live day in and day out with, the ones we'll risk being fully known by, the ones we'll gladly be inconvenienced by, the ones we will choose to love.
Yes, I know how complicated and exhausting making friends can be as an adult. Why didn't anyone teach us how to do this? Does it really have to be this hard? What are we missing?
I begin this journey with you aware of two things:
1. People make up the best parts of life.
2. People make up the most painful parts of life.
And I assume you picked up this book with one of those two truths more prominently fixed in your mind. So, whether you come with hopes or with fears or with both, it's okay. I suspect that if you really go all in with me, some of your fears may come true. But I also believe that your hopes will be exceeded.
It is possible to live connected-intimately connected-to other people.
But connection costs something, more than many are willing to pay.
If you choose to join me in this adventure of building authentic community, I promise that what you'll gain in the bargain is more than worth it, but it will require you to reconsider most everything in your life today. Specifically:
•Your daily and weekly routines.
•The way that you buy groceries.
•The new neighborhood you're considering.
•Whether or not you live near your family.
•The church you choose to be part of.
•What you do this weekend.
•And deeper still: how open you choose to be about your difficult marriage.
•And about your fight with anxiety, which is getting worse.
•And whether you'll ask the hard question of the person you love who is drinking too much.
•And if you'll forgive and fight for the people who have hurt you deeper than you could ever imagine.
Everything I'll be asking of you in our journey together requires that you risk your comfort and your routines. And yet everything in your life aches for the change I am inviti...
There Is Another Way
Do you believe that you were built for true, radical connection? Even if you're an introvert, we all are physically, emotionally, and spiritually hardwired by God for relationship. From the moment you were born until you take your last breath, deep, authentic connection is the thing your soul most craves. Not just as an occasional experience, but as a reality woven into every day of your life.
But to access this reality, you'll have to make some changes. Because something is fundamentally wrong with how we have built our lives.
We spend our evenings and weekends tucked into our little residences with our little family or our roommates or alone, staring at our little screens. We make dinner for just us and never want to trouble our neighbors for anything. We fill a small, little crevice called home with everything we could possibly need, we keep our doors locked tight, and we feel all safe and sound. But we've completely cut ourselves off from people outside our little self-protective world. We may feel comfortable and safe and independent and entertained.
But also we feel completely sad.
Nearly all of us live this way, and yet it's just not working for any of us. As I mentioned, research says that more than three in five Americans report being chronically lonely, and that number is "on the rise." These stats are indicators of a grave and costly crisis. Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts are all on the rise. Scientists now warn that loneliness is worse for our health than obesity, smoking, lack of access to health care, and physical inactivity.
So why are we letting it define our days?
Is this living? Is this how life is supposed to go?
Let me skip to the answer: No. It isn't supposed to be this way! You know what you were actually built for?
•Long, meaningful conversations with people who have known you for years and would donate their kidney if you needed it.
•People who drop by with pizza and paper plates unannounced because they missed you and aren't afraid to intrude.
•Regular unscheduled and unhurried time with people who feel like family, even if they aren't.
•The obvious few who scream with joy when you share your awesome news and cry with you when you share your hard stuff.
•People who show up early to help you cook and stay late to clean up.
•People who hurt you and who are hurt by you, but who choose to work through it with you instead of both of you quitting on each other.
•People who live on mission beside you, who challenge you and make you better.
•People who know they are your people, and you are theirs. People who belong to each other.
This is a book about how to find our people-the ones we'll live day in and day out with, the ones we'll risk being fully known by, the ones we'll gladly be inconvenienced by, the ones we will choose to love.
Yes, I know how complicated and exhausting making friends can be as an adult. Why didn't anyone teach us how to do this? Does it really have to be this hard? What are we missing?
I begin this journey with you aware of two things:
1. People make up the best parts of life.
2. People make up the most painful parts of life.
And I assume you picked up this book with one of those two truths more prominently fixed in your mind. So, whether you come with hopes or with fears or with both, it's okay. I suspect that if you really go all in with me, some of your fears may come true. But I also believe that your hopes will be exceeded.
It is possible to live connected-intimately connected-to other people.
But connection costs something, more than many are willing to pay.
If you choose to join me in this adventure of building authentic community, I promise that what you'll gain in the bargain is more than worth it, but it will require you to reconsider most everything in your life today. Specifically:
•Your daily and weekly routines.
•The way that you buy groceries.
•The new neighborhood you're considering.
•Whether or not you live near your family.
•The church you choose to be part of.
•What you do this weekend.
•And deeper still: how open you choose to be about your difficult marriage.
•And about your fight with anxiety, which is getting worse.
•And whether you'll ask the hard question of the person you love who is drinking too much.
•And if you'll forgive and fight for the people who have hurt you deeper than you could ever imagine.
Everything I'll be asking of you in our journey together requires that you risk your comfort and your routines. And yet everything in your life aches for the change I am inviti...
