Relationships
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Making Great Relationships: Simple Practices for Solving Conflicts, Building Connection, and Fostering Love
"50 simple, powerful ways to improve your relationships at home and at work" (Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone), based on the latest findings in neuroscience, mindfulness, and positive psychology-by the New York Times bestselling author of Neurodharma and Resilient
Relationships are usually the most important part of a person's life. But they're often stressful and frustrating, or simply awkward, distant, and lonely. We feel the weight of things unsaid, needs unmet, conflicts unresolved. It's easy to feel stuck.
But actually, new research shows that you create your relationships every day with the things you do and say, which gives you the ability to start improving them now. You have the power to make all your relationships better just by making simple changes that start inside yourself.
New York Times bestselling author of Buddha's Brain and Hardwiring Happiness, Rick Hanson, PhD, brings his trademark warmth and clarity to Making Great Relationships, a comprehensive guide to fostering healthy, effective, and fulfilling relationships of all kinds: at home and at work, with family and friends, and with people who are challenging. As a psychologist, couples and family counselor, husband, and father, Dr. Hanson has learned what makes relationships go badly and what you can do to make them go better.
Grounded in brain science and clinical psychology, and informed by contemplative wisdom, Making Great Relationships offers fifty fundamental skills, including:
• How to convince yourself that you truly deserve to be treated well
• How to communicate effectively in all kinds of settings
• How to stay centered so that conflict doesn't rattle you so deeply
• How to see the good in others (even when they make it difficult)
• How to set and maintain healthy boundaries or resize relationships as needed
• How to express your needs so that they are more likely to be fulfilled
With these fifty simple yet powerful practices, you can handle conflicts, repair misunderstandings, get treated better, deepen a romantic partnership, be at peace with others, and give the love that you have in your heart. Making Great Relationships will teach you how to relate better than ever with all the people in your life.
Relationships are usually the most important part of a person's life. But they're often stressful and frustrating, or simply awkward, distant, and lonely. We feel the weight of things unsaid, needs unmet, conflicts unresolved. It's easy to feel stuck.
But actually, new research shows that you create your relationships every day with the things you do and say, which gives you the ability to start improving them now. You have the power to make all your relationships better just by making simple changes that start inside yourself.
New York Times bestselling author of Buddha's Brain and Hardwiring Happiness, Rick Hanson, PhD, brings his trademark warmth and clarity to Making Great Relationships, a comprehensive guide to fostering healthy, effective, and fulfilling relationships of all kinds: at home and at work, with family and friends, and with people who are challenging. As a psychologist, couples and family counselor, husband, and father, Dr. Hanson has learned what makes relationships go badly and what you can do to make them go better.
Grounded in brain science and clinical psychology, and informed by contemplative wisdom, Making Great Relationships offers fifty fundamental skills, including:
• How to convince yourself that you truly deserve to be treated well
• How to communicate effectively in all kinds of settings
• How to stay centered so that conflict doesn't rattle you so deeply
• How to see the good in others (even when they make it difficult)
• How to set and maintain healthy boundaries or resize relationships as needed
• How to express your needs so that they are more likely to be fulfilled
With these fifty simple yet powerful practices, you can handle conflicts, repair misunderstandings, get treated better, deepen a romantic partnership, be at peace with others, and give the love that you have in your heart. Making Great Relationships will teach you how to relate better than ever with all the people in your life.
Editorial Reviews
"Rick Hanson has the profound ability to cut through the noise and confusion, providing practical, effective strategies and doable wisdom that will immediately make your relationships better."-Marie Forleo, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Everything Is Figureoutable
"Written with grace, humor, and kindness, Making Great Relationships is a rare find. The culmination of Rick Hanson's fifty years of work in mental health . . . this book is a practical guide for our highest selves. Read it, and your life and relationships will be transformed."-Terrence Real, LICSW, New York Times bestselling author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
"Our relationships are more important than ever, but they can also be full of conflict, strained silences, and missed opportunities. Even if ‘they' don't change, he shows you how to step out of no-win struggles, respect your own needs, and feel at peace. A nourishing, useful, and timely book."-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone
"Rick Hanson, who has educated us all about the brain, now brings his thoroughness and accessibility to relationships. Anyone reading this book will know they are in the hands of a master, and we encourage you to trust the effectiveness of the many practices the author provides."-Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., co-authors of Getting the Love You Want and Making Marriage Simple
"The love, spontaneity and vitality of your relationships can continue to evolve in deeply gratifying ways. Rick Hanson-author, psychologist and wise, loving human-offers an amazing guide, filled with potent doable exercises that will bring fresh life to any and all of your relationships."-Tara Brach, author of Radical Acceptance and Trusting the Gold
"Woven with love and deep concern for humanity, these short entries are...
"Written with grace, humor, and kindness, Making Great Relationships is a rare find. The culmination of Rick Hanson's fifty years of work in mental health . . . this book is a practical guide for our highest selves. Read it, and your life and relationships will be transformed."-Terrence Real, LICSW, New York Times bestselling author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
"Our relationships are more important than ever, but they can also be full of conflict, strained silences, and missed opportunities. Even if ‘they' don't change, he shows you how to step out of no-win struggles, respect your own needs, and feel at peace. A nourishing, useful, and timely book."-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone
"Rick Hanson, who has educated us all about the brain, now brings his thoroughness and accessibility to relationships. Anyone reading this book will know they are in the hands of a master, and we encourage you to trust the effectiveness of the many practices the author provides."-Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., co-authors of Getting the Love You Want and Making Marriage Simple
"The love, spontaneity and vitality of your relationships can continue to evolve in deeply gratifying ways. Rick Hanson-author, psychologist and wise, loving human-offers an amazing guide, filled with potent doable exercises that will bring fresh life to any and all of your relationships."-Tara Brach, author of Radical Acceptance and Trusting the Gold
"Woven with love and deep concern for humanity, these short entries are...
Readers Top Reviews
Kathy F.Steve BrockH
There is not a person alive who can not benefit from knowing how to improve the relationships in their life. Rick Hanson, PhD, offers some practical knowledge as to how to make that happen. Broken into short yet helpful chapters, the author offers readers new perspectives and 52 ways that they can honor theirselves, meet their own needs, and improve their relationships. A very readable and interesting book, it gave me food for thought and personal change when held up against some of my own more challenging relationships. It's encouraging and exciting to be given the knowledge to break out of a rut and learn how to fine-tune your life for the better! Well done and highly recommended! My thanks to Harmony for allowing me to read and ARC of this book via NetGalley. Publication is scheduled for 1/17/23. All opinions stated in this review are my own and are freely given.
Joan N.
We all deal with relationships and could, no doubt, benefit from some ideas to make them better. Hanson provides 50 such ideas in short chapters suitable for reading one a day. He writes about changes within our power to make, things we can do. His book is divided into sections: support for yourself and developing a warm heart for others. groundwork for dealing with conflicts and challenging people effective communication expanding to communities and the world I was pleasantly surprised to find a book on relationships starting out with the relationship with one's self. How can one have healthy relationships with others without one with one's self? Hanson goes on to provide really practical teaching on relationships. I really like the structure of the book. The chapters are short. Each one contains a “how” section offering practical ideas to implement that chapter's ideas. Hanson covers many topics such as noticing the needs of others, being kind, ideas for opening your heart when you see someone you don't like, and handling criticism. I really appreciated his teaching on communication. He offers lots of practical ideas, sometimes even providing the words to say. He frequently gives examples from his own life to illustrate his ideas. If you have read many self help books on relationships, there may not be any revolutionary new ideas to be found in this one. However, this book is a good collection of the best and most useful ideas and strategies for working on great relationships. I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.
Joanne levi
The book has an easy, warm and comforting style about it. It has a lot of information that was useable and reading it has really benefited me. I highly recommend this book if you want to cultivate a better relationship with yourself and others.
Sharon Harder
Making Great Relationships casts bare the secrets of connection. Drawing upon decades of experience as a practicing psychologist and author, as well as a devoted husband and father, Dr. Hanson combines the scientific and the poetic in order to deliver an insightful guide to being with others. Making Great Relationships explores striking truths with gentleness--Hanson cloaks his sage advice in genial kindliness and clarity. At the same time, his words are frank, instructive, and dignified, creating a uniquely relatable discourse. One would be hard-pressed to find a better book on the subject of relating.
Sylvia
I have been a fan of Rick's writings and teachings for a while now. Rick's new book didn't disappoint. There are so many useful tips about how to improve relationships with all kinds of people, and they all start with improving our relationships to ourselves. Even though I follow Rick's writings regularly, I still learned something new from this book. Buying this book is the best decision that I have made this year so far.
Short Excerpt Teaser
Introduction
Most of our joys and most of our sorrows come from our connections with other people. Just about everyone wants to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships. But how to actually do this, at home and at work, with friends and relatives, with people you like-and perhaps some you don't? How can you handle conflicts, repair misunderstandings, get treated better, deepen a romantic partnership, be at peace with others, and give the love that you have in your heart?
Many of us feel stuck, even trapped in our relationships. Perhaps with a tricky coworker or a frustrating roommate, a co-parent who won't do their share, an estranged relative, an overly critical boss, or a spouse who's drifting away from you. It can seem hopeless.
But here's the good news: Thousands of scientific studies show that relationships are not given; they are made. This gives us the power to make them better-and I once heard a teaching story that tells us how:
An elder was asked what she had done to become so happy and wise, so loved and respected. She replied: "It's because I know that there are two wolves in my heart, a wolf of love and a wolf of hate. And I know that everything depends on which one I feed each day.
You may have heard a version of this story yourself. It is so hopeful! Every day, with what you think and say, you can gradually build up a sense of self-worth, compassion, and confidence inside, while also becoming more relaxed, patient, and effective with others.
As a psychologist, husband, and father-and as someone who was shy and awkward as a kid, and struggled as an adult in some relationships-I've learned what makes relationships go badly, and what you can do to make them go better. This book will show you fifty simple, yet powerful ways to communicate effectively in all kinds of settings, stand up for yourself, express your deep feelings, stay out of no-win quarrels, say (and get) what you want, resize relationships as needed, forgive others and yourself, take things less personally, feel truly loved-and much more. It's the distillation of many years of experience, and it holds everything I would want to give to anyone who wants to know how to grow good relationships, and even great ones.
It usually takes a good deal of time to change the world around you. Inner change can happen a lot faster. You can take the steps that are within your own power to heal old wounds, to find support and happiness in your relationships as they are, and to make them even better. These are the fundamentals of any relationship, and you can apply them in any setting. I've focused on their essence in short chapters that rapidly cover a lot of ground, and am sometimes blunt and direct, offering real-world lessons drawn from decades as a psychotherapist with couples and families. I'm writing from my own background-as a white, professional, older man-and will unavoidably leave out important perspectives and issues. Please adapt what I say to your own needs and situations.
In parts one and two, we establish the vital foundation of support for yourself and a warm heart for others. Parts three and four lay the groundwork for dealing with conflicts and challenging people. Part five explores effective communication in detail, including what to do when things get intense. Part six expands the scope of our relationships to our communities, to all of life, and to our whole beautiful world.
Each chapter stands on its own as a complete practice. While the chapters build on each other, it's fine to jump around to what's most useful to you at the moment. I'll occasionally mention research findings, and you can easily find references in my books Hardwiring Happiness and Neurodharma, as well as online. If you come across something you've heard me say elsewhere, you can explore it more deeply or skip ahead a bit. In the space here, I haven't been able to address the important topics of finances, sex, childrearing, cyberbullying, workplace harassment, or the ways that our relationships can be burdened by sexism, racism, and other kinds of prejudice. I use mainly gender-neutral language, such as they or them.
Every day gives us chances to learn and heal and grow. We just keep trying. You can relate to some chapters as aspirational, such as "Say What You Want" (chapter 43) or "Take Care of Your Side of the Street"...
Most of our joys and most of our sorrows come from our connections with other people. Just about everyone wants to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships. But how to actually do this, at home and at work, with friends and relatives, with people you like-and perhaps some you don't? How can you handle conflicts, repair misunderstandings, get treated better, deepen a romantic partnership, be at peace with others, and give the love that you have in your heart?
Many of us feel stuck, even trapped in our relationships. Perhaps with a tricky coworker or a frustrating roommate, a co-parent who won't do their share, an estranged relative, an overly critical boss, or a spouse who's drifting away from you. It can seem hopeless.
But here's the good news: Thousands of scientific studies show that relationships are not given; they are made. This gives us the power to make them better-and I once heard a teaching story that tells us how:
An elder was asked what she had done to become so happy and wise, so loved and respected. She replied: "It's because I know that there are two wolves in my heart, a wolf of love and a wolf of hate. And I know that everything depends on which one I feed each day.
You may have heard a version of this story yourself. It is so hopeful! Every day, with what you think and say, you can gradually build up a sense of self-worth, compassion, and confidence inside, while also becoming more relaxed, patient, and effective with others.
As a psychologist, husband, and father-and as someone who was shy and awkward as a kid, and struggled as an adult in some relationships-I've learned what makes relationships go badly, and what you can do to make them go better. This book will show you fifty simple, yet powerful ways to communicate effectively in all kinds of settings, stand up for yourself, express your deep feelings, stay out of no-win quarrels, say (and get) what you want, resize relationships as needed, forgive others and yourself, take things less personally, feel truly loved-and much more. It's the distillation of many years of experience, and it holds everything I would want to give to anyone who wants to know how to grow good relationships, and even great ones.
It usually takes a good deal of time to change the world around you. Inner change can happen a lot faster. You can take the steps that are within your own power to heal old wounds, to find support and happiness in your relationships as they are, and to make them even better. These are the fundamentals of any relationship, and you can apply them in any setting. I've focused on their essence in short chapters that rapidly cover a lot of ground, and am sometimes blunt and direct, offering real-world lessons drawn from decades as a psychotherapist with couples and families. I'm writing from my own background-as a white, professional, older man-and will unavoidably leave out important perspectives and issues. Please adapt what I say to your own needs and situations.
In parts one and two, we establish the vital foundation of support for yourself and a warm heart for others. Parts three and four lay the groundwork for dealing with conflicts and challenging people. Part five explores effective communication in detail, including what to do when things get intense. Part six expands the scope of our relationships to our communities, to all of life, and to our whole beautiful world.
Each chapter stands on its own as a complete practice. While the chapters build on each other, it's fine to jump around to what's most useful to you at the moment. I'll occasionally mention research findings, and you can easily find references in my books Hardwiring Happiness and Neurodharma, as well as online. If you come across something you've heard me say elsewhere, you can explore it more deeply or skip ahead a bit. In the space here, I haven't been able to address the important topics of finances, sex, childrearing, cyberbullying, workplace harassment, or the ways that our relationships can be burdened by sexism, racism, and other kinds of prejudice. I use mainly gender-neutral language, such as they or them.
Every day gives us chances to learn and heal and grow. We just keep trying. You can relate to some chapters as aspirational, such as "Say What You Want" (chapter 43) or "Take Care of Your Side of the Street"...
