Psychology & Counseling
![Vienna Pharaon - [object Object] author](https://res.cloudinary.com/readsomnia/image/upload/authors/a_B0BTTPZ4SK.jpg)
The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love
From licensed therapist and popular Instagram relationship expert Vienna Pharaon (@mindfulmft, +631K followers) comes a profound guide to understanding and overcoming wounds from your Family of Origin-the foundation of how we relate to others, ourselves, and the world around us.
None of us had a perfect childhood; we are all carrying around behaviors that don't serve us-and may in fact be hurting us. But it doesn't have to be that way, says licensed marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon. Our past might create our patterns, but we can change those patterns for the better...with the right tools.
In The Origins of You, Pharaon has unlocked a healing process to help us understand our Family of Origin-the family and framework we grew up within-and examine what worked (and didn't) in that system. Unhealed pain (or "wounds") in that Family of Origin will manifest in our adult behaviors in surprising ways, from work challenges to interpersonal struggles. But the good news: armed with the knowledge about our past, we can actually rewire our programming to meaningfully improve our relationships and our lives, right now and in the future.
It doesn't matter whether you've been in therapy for decades, or whether therapy isn't for you. It doesn't matter if you have loads of memories from childhood, or struggle to remember anything at all. What matters is your willingness to look inside yourself, and your determination to find a new way forward. Complete with guided introspection, personal experiences, client stories, frameworks for having difficult conversations, and worksheets to complement each chapter, The Origins of You will teach you how to break family patterns and help you liberate the way you live and love.
None of us had a perfect childhood; we are all carrying around behaviors that don't serve us-and may in fact be hurting us. But it doesn't have to be that way, says licensed marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon. Our past might create our patterns, but we can change those patterns for the better...with the right tools.
In The Origins of You, Pharaon has unlocked a healing process to help us understand our Family of Origin-the family and framework we grew up within-and examine what worked (and didn't) in that system. Unhealed pain (or "wounds") in that Family of Origin will manifest in our adult behaviors in surprising ways, from work challenges to interpersonal struggles. But the good news: armed with the knowledge about our past, we can actually rewire our programming to meaningfully improve our relationships and our lives, right now and in the future.
It doesn't matter whether you've been in therapy for decades, or whether therapy isn't for you. It doesn't matter if you have loads of memories from childhood, or struggle to remember anything at all. What matters is your willingness to look inside yourself, and your determination to find a new way forward. Complete with guided introspection, personal experiences, client stories, frameworks for having difficult conversations, and worksheets to complement each chapter, The Origins of You will teach you how to break family patterns and help you liberate the way you live and love.
Editorial Reviews
One of Amazon's Best Books of the Month
One of Hollywood Reporter's Best Gifts for Sparking Optimism
"The Origins of You offers us a promise: our family of origin, no matter how damaged it might have been, does not determine our destiny. With empathy and wisdom, Vienna Pharaon explains how our past creates our patterns-patterns we're still living out today-and how we can shift those habits to create a new, healthier path for ourselves. Vienna's book is a gift." -Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace
"Thoughtful self-help exercises with suggestions on how to best read, process and digest this information are woven throughout The Origins of You, and Pharaon feels like a cheerleader and confidant as she offers honest, straightforward advice." -BookPage
"Change your behavior, change your life. Licensed therapist and relationship expert Vienna Pharaon wrote The Origins of You to help readers break unhealthy patterns of behavior in order to enjoy a better way of life. Each chapter includes worksheets for introspection, which will help you heal old wounds to create meaningful change in relationships with others as well as yourself." -Hollywood Reporter
"[Pharaon] offers tools to communicate and set boundaries in relationships, and encourages readers to make changes to take control of their own relationship dynamics and move beyond their past trauma…She encourages readers to seek out therapy, while still offering them a starting place to understand their trauma and guide them through the work that they will need to do as they move forward…Will appeal to fans of Pharaon's Instagram page and those seeking a self-help guide to help them navigate family patterns and take control of their love lives." -Library Journal
"The Origins of You does a brilliant job of striking the balance of acknowledging the pain of the past without getting lost in blame. As you reflect on growing up in your family, you'll have countless aha moments, opportunity for self-discovery, and a path forward for ending unhealthy patterns in your life and relationships. This book is the book that everyone in your family should read."
One of Hollywood Reporter's Best Gifts for Sparking Optimism
"The Origins of You offers us a promise: our family of origin, no matter how damaged it might have been, does not determine our destiny. With empathy and wisdom, Vienna Pharaon explains how our past creates our patterns-patterns we're still living out today-and how we can shift those habits to create a new, healthier path for ourselves. Vienna's book is a gift." -Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace
"Thoughtful self-help exercises with suggestions on how to best read, process and digest this information are woven throughout The Origins of You, and Pharaon feels like a cheerleader and confidant as she offers honest, straightforward advice." -BookPage
"Change your behavior, change your life. Licensed therapist and relationship expert Vienna Pharaon wrote The Origins of You to help readers break unhealthy patterns of behavior in order to enjoy a better way of life. Each chapter includes worksheets for introspection, which will help you heal old wounds to create meaningful change in relationships with others as well as yourself." -Hollywood Reporter
"[Pharaon] offers tools to communicate and set boundaries in relationships, and encourages readers to make changes to take control of their own relationship dynamics and move beyond their past trauma…She encourages readers to seek out therapy, while still offering them a starting place to understand their trauma and guide them through the work that they will need to do as they move forward…Will appeal to fans of Pharaon's Instagram page and those seeking a self-help guide to help them navigate family patterns and take control of their love lives." -Library Journal
"The Origins of You does a brilliant job of striking the balance of acknowledging the pain of the past without getting lost in blame. As you reflect on growing up in your family, you'll have countless aha moments, opportunity for self-discovery, and a path forward for ending unhealthy patterns in your life and relationships. This book is the book that everyone in your family should read."
Readers Top Reviews
Amanda BaudierCha
In clear, easy to grasp language Vienna helps us get to the core of what makes us tick and how to heal our core wounds. I've been in the healing space and read a million books on trauma over the past 20 years and learned concepts from Vienna that are truly fresh and groundbreaking. I feel truly seen after reading this book and plan to share it with all of my family members and loved ones.
Amber RaeAmanda B
This is the best healing book I’ve come across. It cracks a combination that is so rare. The structure of the five wounds is instantly memorable, Vienna's personal story is very compelling and relatable, and her client stories just dance off the page. I underlined half of the book, and found myself having an epiphany on nearly ever page. Highly recommend.
Carrie Babe, LMFT
This book takes readers on an eye-opening journey toward a more meaningful relational life, and it does so without force, but with the utmost care, curiosity and wisdom. It delicately yet directly helps readers confront the full range of impact of their family dynamics. The approach is unique and useful in addressing ongoing inner and interpersonal struggles; the book both deserves its own space, and also fits beautifully, among the most revered resources available. It is truly a gift to experience Vienna's wisdom and energy; this book allows that for all, in a thoughtful, heartfelt, and accessible way. I highly recommend it.
Carrie Babe, L
This book shifted how I view myself, my family, and my relationships. The ability to understand, with empathy, the 'why' behind what I do and how I feel has enabled me to be a better daughter, wife, and friend. Vienna beautifully combines storytelling with expertise to show — not just tell — about our origin wounds, how they impact our lives, and most importantly, how to heal them. I am so grateful for this book — I wish this book came out a decade ago when I was in the depths of struggling with my origin wounds! I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about how their family system shaped them. You'll walk away with a profoundly new level of awareness of yourself and those around you. Plus, it's truly an enjoyable read!
Jacqueline Quinn
Vienna is able to articulate SO beautifully how past trauma can be deeply affecting your current life & relationships. These "origin wounds" , which we all have (like it or not!) are likely pushed down so deep where we believe we have survived and even thrived from the cards we were dealt growing up. She uncovers those moments of reactivity and really points to where we may need to focus our attention. Thats where the growth happens, in these "AH HA!" moments where she connects the dots on trauma and how it can be showing up in our current adult lives. Her personal stories and the stories she shares of others make this book so relatable and gives you such a sense of not being alone. This book is pure gold , its one that i will read over and over again - and gift to many many people!
Short Excerpt Teaser
Introduction
I was just five years old when a rupture in my family left me with a wound which would dictate the course of my relationships for years to come.
For a long time I refused to acknowledge the effect my past had on, well, everything else in my life. In fact, I might never have fully understood the importance of these early events without an education in psychology, a working knowledge of the lingering effects of trauma, and a deep curiosity around relationships. It has taken years of hard work to see the impact of what happened long ago and to actively take control of who I want to be in relationships, valuable lessons I've learned that I will share with you in this book. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.
Let's start with my origins.
It was a beautiful, sunny day in the summer of 1991. I was trying to make a flimsy gold bangle into a trendy hoop earring-five going on fifteen, as they say-when I heard my father's raised voice from behind the closed bedroom door. My father's anger was always scary to me. He was the kind of man who liked to dominate every situation he was in, and the power and control he exuded felt threatening and manipulative. My joy in my cool jewelry project immediately vanished.
"If you leave, don't come back," he shouted at my mother.
As a five-year-old, the words pierced me. I'd never heard such rage targeted at someone I loved, at someone he was supposed to love: If you leave, don't come back.
Within minutes my mom was barreling upstairs, urging me to pack a bag. There wasn't much time for my system to process what was happening. All I knew was that we were leaving.
We picked up my maternal grandmother and went to the Jersey shore, where I am sure I played in the waves, built castles in the sand, and probably convinced my mom to stop for ice cream on the way home. It hadn't yet struck me that "home" this time might mean somewhere else. Dropping off my grandmother wouldn't be just another stop. It was the destination.
When we got to my grandma's house, we settled in, unwinding after a day in the sun. It wasn't long before the phone started to ring. Although there was no caller ID at the time, it was obvious who was on the other line. My father immediately demanded to speak to my mom, but my grandma knew better than to pass the phone. Within minutes, we were all running over to the neighbor's house. No time to process. Just time to run.
About ten minutes later my father and his brother, my uncle, pulled into my grandma's driveway. We watched from afar as they banged on the front door, circled the house, and tried to catch a glimpse of any movement inside. My mom's parked car was a clear giveaway that we couldn't be far. I remember ever-so-carefully peeking my head above the window sill to see what was going on just a house away. My dad and uncle were just small figurines in the distance, but I could still see their rage.
I wanted to call out to my dad, but I was also frightened. I was hiding with my mom, feeling terrified and unsafe, while simultaneously thinking to myself, I'm right here, Dad.
Minutes later, the police pulled into my grandmother's driveway. I could hear the fear in my mom's voice as she demanded I hide in the closet with her. This is really happening. I was instructed to not make a peep. Then came the knock, which pierced in a familiar way. The neighbor opened the door to two angry men and a couple of police officers. The questions came from the officers while accusations came from my father and uncle. They knew we were inside, but there was no invitation to enter.
I could hear the rage escalating. There must be something I can do to fix this, I prayed. How do I make this stop? I just want them both to be okay.
Yet there was no way to make both of my parents happy. There was no way to choose them both. There was no way to honor one without hurting or disappointing the other, or so I believed. There was no way to stop the fight.
Throughout the incident, we remained, my mom and me, stock still, hand in hand, in the closet.
And though I didn't then have the language to describe it, it was then – at that moment – my own safety wound was born. I had no idea, at the time, just how long I would be trapped in that moment.
* * *
Even though my parents tried their best, they couldn't protect me or shie...
I was just five years old when a rupture in my family left me with a wound which would dictate the course of my relationships for years to come.
For a long time I refused to acknowledge the effect my past had on, well, everything else in my life. In fact, I might never have fully understood the importance of these early events without an education in psychology, a working knowledge of the lingering effects of trauma, and a deep curiosity around relationships. It has taken years of hard work to see the impact of what happened long ago and to actively take control of who I want to be in relationships, valuable lessons I've learned that I will share with you in this book. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.
Let's start with my origins.
It was a beautiful, sunny day in the summer of 1991. I was trying to make a flimsy gold bangle into a trendy hoop earring-five going on fifteen, as they say-when I heard my father's raised voice from behind the closed bedroom door. My father's anger was always scary to me. He was the kind of man who liked to dominate every situation he was in, and the power and control he exuded felt threatening and manipulative. My joy in my cool jewelry project immediately vanished.
"If you leave, don't come back," he shouted at my mother.
As a five-year-old, the words pierced me. I'd never heard such rage targeted at someone I loved, at someone he was supposed to love: If you leave, don't come back.
Within minutes my mom was barreling upstairs, urging me to pack a bag. There wasn't much time for my system to process what was happening. All I knew was that we were leaving.
We picked up my maternal grandmother and went to the Jersey shore, where I am sure I played in the waves, built castles in the sand, and probably convinced my mom to stop for ice cream on the way home. It hadn't yet struck me that "home" this time might mean somewhere else. Dropping off my grandmother wouldn't be just another stop. It was the destination.
When we got to my grandma's house, we settled in, unwinding after a day in the sun. It wasn't long before the phone started to ring. Although there was no caller ID at the time, it was obvious who was on the other line. My father immediately demanded to speak to my mom, but my grandma knew better than to pass the phone. Within minutes, we were all running over to the neighbor's house. No time to process. Just time to run.
About ten minutes later my father and his brother, my uncle, pulled into my grandma's driveway. We watched from afar as they banged on the front door, circled the house, and tried to catch a glimpse of any movement inside. My mom's parked car was a clear giveaway that we couldn't be far. I remember ever-so-carefully peeking my head above the window sill to see what was going on just a house away. My dad and uncle were just small figurines in the distance, but I could still see their rage.
I wanted to call out to my dad, but I was also frightened. I was hiding with my mom, feeling terrified and unsafe, while simultaneously thinking to myself, I'm right here, Dad.
Minutes later, the police pulled into my grandmother's driveway. I could hear the fear in my mom's voice as she demanded I hide in the closet with her. This is really happening. I was instructed to not make a peep. Then came the knock, which pierced in a familiar way. The neighbor opened the door to two angry men and a couple of police officers. The questions came from the officers while accusations came from my father and uncle. They knew we were inside, but there was no invitation to enter.
I could hear the rage escalating. There must be something I can do to fix this, I prayed. How do I make this stop? I just want them both to be okay.
Yet there was no way to make both of my parents happy. There was no way to choose them both. There was no way to honor one without hurting or disappointing the other, or so I believed. There was no way to stop the fight.
Throughout the incident, we remained, my mom and me, stock still, hand in hand, in the closet.
And though I didn't then have the language to describe it, it was then – at that moment – my own safety wound was born. I had no idea, at the time, just how long I would be trapped in that moment.
* * *
Even though my parents tried their best, they couldn't protect me or shie...
